Youngest kid of six with an inferiority and black sheep complex, but determined that God saves not just his soul to heaven but the remainder of his manic-depressive life, so others won't say he became a Christian and remained a jerk.
i won't be transparent before i'm opaque. and you'll get to know me starting from the small things: who my favourite bands are. what kind of movies i like. who are my heroes.
I’m convinced that when confronted with sincere, real love, the Jesus factor will become obvious. But let’s not plant the cross before we carry it. I’m not trying to con you.
Some dreams are meant to be achieved. I know that. But maybe other dreams are meant to drive us, privately. Never known to anyone but ourselves.
It is a sadness that, when choosing between crying and sighing, will choose sighing. I'd almost say that melancholy is being sad about sadness itself.
On memory and nostalgia
It saddens me when life moves forward and people decide that certain things are worth forgetting.
I've learnt that the word irregardless is filed as a non-standard word in the English language. That's a lexicographer's way of saying it's not a real word.
Crowds are fickle things. So when we stand in the thousands and cry against the present government, do we know who we're actually crying for?
People always want the best for themselves. But I want to sometimes take second or third or fourth best, just so that the loser down the road doesn't always have to come in last. It must feel like shit to always come in last.
On growing old
Leasehold property make me feel sad. It doesn't matter how old the family photos are that you put on your wall. It's your family but it's not really your wall.
I ask you, if God loves everyone, and if God is also incapable of loving evil, how can there be such a thing as an evil man?
On a daily basis
One line quips, like this.
Monday, February 28, 2005
MARX, KUHN & CHRIST - INTRODUCTION
you might notice that i haven't been posting anything of notable a) christian, b) intelligent value of late. this does not mean that i've turned pagan and/or stupid. i've just been finding it hard to put some of my thoughts into intelligible words. but i've been reading a fair bit and perhaps such input is a more fruitful enterprise than blind and undirected output.
in one of my readings, i came across this beautiful word, a word so beautiful it warrants not merely a slot in my Word of the Day column, but a study/post of it - and its workings - as a proper blog. the word i'm raving about is cognitariat. of course, you can see that it is related to the word proletariat, a word most common in the writings of the first of my two favourite philosophers, Mr. Karl Marx. the initiated will probably already "get" what "cognitariat" is, or rather, who the "cognitariat" are. but i'll leave that for another day, when i'll blog extensively and exclusively on the matter.
for now, let me divert the topic ever so remotely, and talk about the second of my two favourite philosophers, Mr. Thomas S Kuhn. not nearly as well known as Marx (and it is indeed odd for them to be mentioned in relation to one another, for reasons that will soon become obvious), Kuhn philosophised about scientific progress, arguing that scientific knowledge and practice happens within paradigms; and one converts between such paradigms when the old one fails to address mounting problems. his seminal paper, The Structure of Scientific Revolutions has shaped not only the way i see science, or even the world, but especially - in some ways - christianity. for that reason, my approach to christianity among other faiths is distinctly Kuhnian. he has, along with Marx, been my philosophic hero.
intriguingly, there is a commonality between the thoughts of these two honourable men. Marx talked extensively about proletarian revolution, and Kuhn, scientific revolution. while each talks about revolution in different ways, both saw revolution as the response required to propel the progress of history into the consequent epoch. likewise, both men also commonly see their respective fields, economy and science, as progressing in a linear direction heading towards inevitable destinations.
of course, as it has to be, they also share what are to me (a christian) glaring flaws. the inadequacies of Marx have been well-documented: if the failure of every communist government is in itself lacking as evidence (and i dare say it is), then at least his work has failed to account for the information explosion - and hence, power explosion - that was to happen only a hundred odd years into the future. but as a christian, this is not my concern. my concern is, of course, with his brushing off of God, calling His creator an opiate that dulls the masses from realising their oppression. quite rightly so, the church at Marx's time may not have been the most enlightening nor happening place to be. but with the benefit of a 21st century hindsight (and a 21st century church), we now bravely know that it is the truth of God's word that opens the eyes of the downtrodden and sets them free (and ultimately free!) from the oppression of factory owners and/or the devil.
Kuhn's problem - which i will not go extensively into, since a) most of us are not familiar yet with Kuhn, b) i wanna deal with Kuhn's problems when i blog about him properly - is that he opens the door remotely ajar to relativism. of course, Kuhn denounces it, but in my effort to apply Kuhn to my christianity (an effort no one told me to pursue), there comes a point where Kuhn ends and Ong (that is, i) takes over.
i have, as you can see, overshot myself. this is only meant to be an introduction to the blogs that are to follow, blogs about my two favourite philosophers, blogs about christianity, marxism and kuhnism (the latter of which is a term i've likely just coined from thin air). if you have never heard me speak about christianity, other faiths and the cruel world, this series of blogs should do the job.
cheers. i look forward to writing them.
Labels: christianity, politics
5:18 am ]
Sunday, February 27, 2005
DISTRACTIONS IN CHURCHYesterday, i talked extensively with joram on clothing and distraction in church. our conversation wasn't by any means limited to distraction of the alluring sort - in fact, that wasn't even the reason why we started talking about this. we were talking about flat-out distracting clothing, or at least, what was distracting (and therefore worth comments) to some and not others.
joram thought that it's ok not to care so much because it's not really what you wear that matters, but of course, who you are. that is true. ultimately, it ought not matter. and realistically, no one should be judging each other's dress code. but the nuts and bolts of it often prove trickier. i eventually drew on semiotics to argue my point. my point is that everything you wear (if you wear anything at all) produces meaning. in other words, when you walk into church, your entire appearance is a "text" that people read. we produce meaning in everything, and there is no way we can prevent ourselves from producing such meaning.
in the same way, meaning is consumed by people. and (in a very death-of-the-author postmodern way), there is no controlling what meaning anyone consumes from you. put differently, the moment the text leaves you, anyone can infer and construe whatsoever they like about your text. such being the case, there is no controlling what one person may think about your dressing from another.
we then talked about how well we refocus back to God after getting distracted by someone's appearance in church. the more seasoned among us might not stumble so easily. the sight of FCUK emblazoned in bright red across the chest of a church going teenager may take under five seconds to steer away from. the novice (or in fact, the traditionalist) may find it harder, and may even be disturbed by the tshirt right through worship, sermon and lunch.
of course, i eventually steered the conversation to the whole area of responsibility and caring for each other's focus on God. for me, i'll try my best to dress in such a way that nobody needs to have a response to my clothing, and therefore, can respond in their entirety to God. i think this is the only loving way to dress for church.
but anyway, it was in this frame of mind that i approached church today, and mighty late i was as well. so, sat at the far-flung regions of our new sanctuary, i was confronted with a wailing baby and two noisy eight year-olds. distraction indeed! and as pastor expounded and expounded on the word of God, among the things on my mind were a) why isn't this parent carting this wailing baby out of the sanctuary, and b) what can i do to keep these two boys from drowining out pastor chew.
now, there is a time where one's faculties of selective hearing allows one to silence every distraction and focus purely on the desired sound. but there also comes a time (or an amplitude) where no amount of selective hearing short of that inspired by the Holy Ghost Himself can help one sift the garbage from the flowers. which made me consider the reason why God allows such distraction to enter His sanctuary in the first place. surely, He is testing me! correct? correct? actually, i can't say for sure. but i do know that i was tested. and my impatience for those kids i had to snuff out and put in place graciousness, and my frustration at the wailing baby, i put out in place of sympathy for the parents. it ain't easy, mind you. i make it a special point never to look in the direction of a crying babe in church because i think if i fix my eye on the preacher, i'll help my ears fix themselves on the preacher's words too. but golly gee, when everyone in front of me is turning around, and this infant's call continues to soar, it's really, really hard to hear.
so yes, this related very much to my conversation with joram. if someone walks into church in a bikini, it's gonna get really, really hard for pastor to hold attention (alluring or not, as the case may be). if someone came in in a ballgown with those fluffy 16th century skirts, it would be equally hard. i've seen churchgoers wear some of the most distracting clothes - brightly emblazoned FCUK tshirts being one of them - into the service and frankly, i think it's childish. it's inappropriate, rude and flat out childish to draw attention from the Almighty Most High to oneself in the name of individuality, freedom and fashion.
10:28 am ]
Thursday, February 24, 2005
CHAP GOH MEI AND GAMBLINGwritten yesterday evening. i know, i gotta curb this write first, post much later thing.
Chap Goh Mei.
The sendoff to another Chinese New Year.
Initially, Lennie suggested we go to Gloria Jeans for a drink tonight, to celebrate. but we all now reckon a more chinesey place will be nicer. also, we'll be having dinner as well. i didn't eat quite as much mandarins this year as i normally do. angpau collection tipped over last year's thanks to one or two generous aunties (God bless them!), and i think i spent enough time with my family (playing fireworks was a highlight i forgot to note earlier) as well as friends this year.
mahjong was nice. played it at home, as normal, and i also taught some SIB friends (whom i shall not name!!! why? because they're addicted, that's why!). all-in-all, i was real pleased with my meetings with relatives and old friends. i bought lots of clothes and now i have a major surplus for work, which is good (i've placed myself on a 3-month shirt-buying ban). meanwhile, the post cny weight loss program is already underway.
it's been a nice first cny year as a blogger. i'm not sure if you noticed, but all the films that made it into Movie of the Day since fifteen days ago have been chinese films. today's entry is the last one. now i've burnt a hole in my chinese films reserve, so it'll probably be odd european fare for the next few weeks! ha.
when i was in melbourne, i bought this beautiful mahjong set that had bamboo backs. it was really lovely. i wanted to play on them this cny. when i got back to muar, i couldn't find it. i thought, well, it must have been left in KL. now that i've come back, and looked for it, i'm wondering if it's somewhere in muar. actually, i'm afraid it's lost!
that's not good. it's a really nice set. and i spent a lot of money on it too.
people always say that gambling games are bad. i love gambling games. two of my favourite games, poker and mahjong, are famously known as bigtime gambling games. i've known of older ladies who "let their moneys fly" upon losing mahjong rounds. does this make me a gambling man? nah!
for starters, i don't play mahjong with money, nor even the complicated counting system. we just play, win, stack, play, win, stack. crikey, i think if money came in, it'd stop being fun. and that would miss the whole point of us playing the game. ah, but it's ok for mahjong - what about poker? the game that is inherently about betting, the game where one dares say is not about the art of cards but the art of bets. how does one do this? easy peasy. monopoly money. most people i play with don't take monopoly money seriously - it's fake, i'm all in. but i've got a few poker buddies like gordon who know that it's as painful to lose fake money as it is real, because it's not about the money, it's about the game. and that's real nice.
so, how has this post gone from chap goh mei to gambling? well, gambling is a well-worn chinese new year activity. and most people who meet up after cny will report on either their net losses or profits. like, i was over to see the high school guys, and there were two gambling tables. and much as i'd like to catch up with some of them, well, between a half-decent chat and a game of blackjack, i lost out to jack of diamonds. so nah...
CNY 2006 - what lies in store? i'd have been over a year at this job, hopefully i won't have to translate "subeditor" into hokkien much anymore (kueh lang sia eh mi kia). hopefully, all the silly questions like "where's your girlfriend" when i don't have one will become endangered and extinct between now and then. and though my theme for 2005 is "Become a man. Become da man", i hope to enjoy cny next year with the same measure of childlike joy as i sometimes felt this year. it's likely to wane as i grow older, but likely is still not a surety. at any case, it's in my hands, and it's also a long way more. for now, let me send off cny 2005 by wishing you guys a really blessed and happy chinese new year, one last time!
1:16 am ]
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
ZOMBIEwritten late saturday night. ok, so it's a long way from realtime blogging, but i forgot.
Is something wrong with me? or is this just one of them days?
i've been proper blur today. there are some days, i get into my car, i start it up, and then it is as if i blank out and the next thing i know, i've parked my car somewhere and i'm getting out. at times like that, how i get from a to b is a complete mystery to me. am i thinking? descartes said cogito ergo sum... i am probably thinking, perhaps too much. yet, can i say that at such times, i am? well, i know what i am not. i am not am.
today's been like that. but for the fact that i've not driven - not that i might remember if i did (and in fact, i did. cyberjaya to pj, very early this morning. i made it back in 31 minutes flat) - i've spent the best part of today walking into parking meters, stepping into large holes in the road, banging things over, sometimes repeatedly, and not hearing anything anyone says to me. i was awoken just now, ernest came banging on my door asking me to go out with the rest of them. i was awoken from deep sleep stage. the kind of sleep you get into after only 2 hours of falling in. i got up, black as night (as it was, night), and walked into the wall in the bathroom. i was halfway washing my face when i asked ernest "what time is it?"
i feel like an absolute zombie. i've had about 4 hours of sleep in two days spread across two lousy sleep sessions, each notable for a rude awakening. even as i type this into notepad, i can't see the words one by one, it is all a haze. i had been reading earlier today, my primer on postmodernism. and over dinner, i somehow managed to guide lennie through a bitesize history of cultural epochs. and how the postmodern condition reacted against modernity. now, there is nothing before my eyes but radial patterns and a flashing light. and there's nothing on my mind now, no, not even... if i said it it would be on my mind. if i said it, it am. or rather, it is.
now, i'm just zonked. i need to lie down.
Labels: exertion, survival
1:11 am ]
Friday, February 18, 2005
HOUSEKEEPING WHILE AWAITING COPYWarning: Self-reflexive blog
Budget night. nothing to do from 9pm till midnight. i've been getting pictures for my bulletin board and resizing them in anticipation of the weeks ahead. with little on my mind worth talking, let's do a little housekeeping. hmmm... housekeeping!
... finding time to blog will always be a challenge, and i'd like to be more initiated and post better and more intelligent stuff. ok, what's happening in here? i've been fooling around with the bulletin board a lot of late, cos it's easier and faster to put things up there than on the main post. movie of the day has been going well. it's my favourite segment now, so i'm quite proud of it. i'd only just added album of the hour and book of the moment and that's been quite fun as well. bear in mind, these of the days are never really updated daily. they just sound that way, because generically, that's how they're called.
and now, i've just gone overboard with it (like how i went overboard the other time with musing of the day and act of the day, hahaa!). you can clearly see, there are new segments, i wanna check this out! and painting of the day. to upkeep these two, as well as the rest, i'll need to spend free time like this preparing a whole bunch of pictures to be uploaded at busier times.
word of the day remains one of my favourite things in this blog. so it still comes on first on the bullettin board. i've made it a personal conviction to keep God's word high up as well. and... since the bullettin board has grown so long, i've moved the links over to the left column. sigh... who the heaven cares?
i hate to scroll left and right. it's one of the banes of my cyberlife. and it has of course, come to my great horror to find that for everyone not using monitors set to 1280x1024 resolution, you'll have to scroll left and right. what a crime! no. this musn't go on. ideally, i want this place set to 1024x768 but it does this by itself and i don't yet know how to correct this. apparently there are people who don't read the bulletin board because of the need to scroll right. i better fix this quick. doctor joel, are you there?
jan said it was wrong for me to say IDEA next to EVENT in my blog on cny. she said they weren't "ideas" but "lessons learnt". i guess that's true, but saying "lesson learnt" sounds kinda cheesy and pretentious. like i had to learn something from everything. i told her "i said idea because i want this blog to be ideas based, not event based", and she said "i know". like, ok. so IDEA wasn't exactly accurate.
nor was the term "identical" in my last blog, which confused stacey and i'm sure everyone. i guess what i meant was... the event will talk about practical things and things to do with identity. and being one to push the limits of the english language to its nether- and outer-most regions, i had to be an idiot and invent the adjective form of the word identity, which inevitably, was going to be identical. haha, fergus. haha.
Ok. it's 12.55am and copy has just come in from our singapore editors. just took a look at the first para and there's already a sentence that needs subediting. cheers, and i hope for a good night.
4 hours later:
partially zonked from work, partially hyper from caffeine poisoning. now, it's back with the singaporeans.
these late nights, while unconventional, are somewhat exciting.
two weeks time, bring on hong kong!
5:49 pm ]
Thursday, February 17, 2005
MY HAPPENING FRIDAY NIGHT ooh, the singapore budget is coming out.
everybody likes a friday night. it's the kind of night you spend with your peers in happening places. to some, that will constitute a club or a pub or tub somewhere. for me, there's no more happening place than church (and all who agree say AMEN!).
when i was in melbourne, i became obsessed about my cultural identity. i went off and really questioned my own chineseness, and after the questioning was done, i answered it by performing my chineseness: writing it, listening to it, watching it, eating it. my cultural identity, so to speak, was in complete cahoots. xiang jiao ren in melbourne uni taking classes about post-mao history from an aussie tutor who spoke mandarin in beijing accent. i thought i was so confused. and then, i came back and everything became snug again.
for some, though, coming back to malaysia after studying abroad isn't so snug. and that's what's gonna be happening at my happening church this happening friday. we're having our first young adults gathering themed There and Back Again - we'll be discussing the challenges of coming back from overseas and settling down... a discussion i assume ranges from the practical (settling down) to the indentical (ok, so identical isn't the adjective form of identity, but i'll stretch this language all i like!)... to the identical (setting roots).
so it seems like a meeting tailor-made for me. not only is it exactly what i went through, but it is also something i sometimes continue to deal with on an everyday basis. five years overseas is a long time, mind you. and that is why, after looking forward to this meeting so much, i'm not at all impressed by the fact that i'm gonna have to miss it.
you see, the singapore budget is coming out this friday. for my company to get the report out, it needs to hit the printers before 6am on saturday morning. so i, along with a couple of other guys, will be working through friday night.
now, this just sucks, doesn't it? my happening friday in church has gone bust, for what? singapore's budget. i tell you, when the fish hits the roof, it rains scales.
Labels: exertion, happenings
4:06 am ]
Monday, February 14, 2005
CNY Eve Evening Event: ernest and i compete at cleaning the chandeliers (on...
2:19 pm ]
Sunday, February 13, 2005
I AM A HOKKIEN. I SPEAK HOKKIEN
Since it's Chinese New Year, let me indulge in a little talk about chinesen...
2:18 pm ]
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
CNY CHILLY SAUCE
There are few things i like doing in the kitchen as much as making chilly s...
2:17 pm ]
Monday, February 07, 2005
We got new bunnies! Oh no! as if eight rabbits aren't enough of a handf...
2:16 pm ]
Saturday, February 05, 2005
I LOVE CHINESE NEW YEAR BACK IN MUARThis is amazing. i'm back in muar ready to take on chinese new year with full aplomb!
i got my new clothes, my fedora, a funky topman tie (which, however, doesn't go with the shirts and the fedora, and therefore may get the drop), and the best of all - i'm back here to chill and chill and then cny!
i always wonder what it must be like for those living in kl during chinese new year. they clean up, buy new stuff - like everyone else - and then, the celebrate right where they are. which is fair enough, i guess, if it's never been any other way. maybe i can get a better idea if i remember how i approached cny all my life right up till form 5.
but even then, there was always the thrill of going to kl to shop for the clothes and new stuff (house decorations and whatnot, though to be honest, none of that ever fascinated me) and then coming back to small town muar and celebrating.
i guess i just like coming home. i always think that peoples' kampungs are very sacred to them and it is fair. i love muar. say what you want about the congested streets, the colour-coded buildings (jan!) and the new and not-necesarilly improved tanjung, i love muar from the bowels of my heart.
and i'm so glad to be back.
for nine days too. it's gonna be so much fun - there'll be lots of mahjong sessions, cards, board games, angpau, shandy, orange crush, cny songs, red table cloths, fireworks, bright lights, jam tarts, seven up and visitors.
for some time, i kinda lost the mood for cny. i thought that it was gonna be harrowing, with nosy relatives asking silly questions like "when are you getting married" (to which i will answer July 2011, citing that a stupid question deserves a stupider answer), or business-types asking business type questions... (whatever that means... oh, i know. they could ask me if the company i work for trades on the main board!). la di da di.
i'm excited man! what's this? i am excited! i can't wait to start cleaning the last few things mummy left for us to deal with, change bulbs (though elaine always gets to do those) and... man! i love chinese new year! and now that i'm back, all i can say is BRING IT ON!!!
Labels: memory and nostalgia
9:20 pm ]
Friday, February 04, 2005
FORGIVENESSi confess - i have a very "bad" strategy when it comes to forgiving people. but i find it a very effective. i seldom find it hard to forgive someone for something bad they do. but whether or not it is a theologically sound strategy is another matter altogether. so, what is it that i do to make it so easy to forgive? well, it goes something like this:
she has a demon.
what?! well, yes. she has a demon. well, that's if it's a girl of course, he has a demon, if a guy. it makes for very easy forgiving. why would he do such a thing? how could she say that? oh, it's not her. she has a demon.
fantastic! everyone is forgivable. it's not them. responsibility is completely stripped off from their free will and placed on some ghoul, some evil, some spirit which seemingly overrides the said perpertrator's choice in being a crappy person. is this sound theology? certainly not! it negates the fact that we are held responsible for our wrong actions, and right ones. it negates the fact that when our Lord judges, He's gonna go "you did it - don't blame it on something else". surely, on judgment day, when Christ in all His glory judges, no one can actually hold up a defense by claiming "i had a demon". hahahaaa... imagine the roar of laughter that would resound in the afterlife at such an excuse. it is lame. yes, i know this. and i also know it's not biblical.
so, eventhough it's so easy to forgive someone in this way, is it how God wants us to forgive? no. surely not. but it's so effective!!! i'll find it really hard to consider forgiving someone without this tricky method, because, well... then i would have to really forgive. but i guess just as Jesus freely (and really) forgives, i too should do the same.
what a shame. i actually thought i was so good at it.
8:20 pm ]
Thursday, February 03, 2005
THE MANTLEPIECEYou may (or may not) remember that a few months ago, i attempted resurrecting my literary life. was it successful? to a certain degree, no.
actually, it was an outright failure. i read saint-exupery's short stories, all one and a half of them. i wrote several poems - mostly in the heat of a few days - but that was it. there was no sustained effort, especially in poetry, and there was certainly no sustained improvement. i sat down for the first time in months to write poetry (just now) and what i ended up with is beyond my ability to denegrate.
so maybe i'm not in the mood.
the last time i saw valis, i made him do automatic writing as per the surrealists. he had been talking about them nonstop anyway. i too tried my hand at it (the last time i indulged in such automaton was years ago). the result, which would naturally read like rubbish, was nothing dramatically different from what i had previously done in this genre of writing. because it is after all the genre of rubbish (to most anyway), i shall reproduce it here in the best way possible (i say this because automatic writing, when done on paper, may not contain legible words nor even, at times, roman script).
Mantlepiece is the pragmatic ontological axis combined to restructure capricious kadues, too days and molecules. if positive charge were to sprinkle lady ornaments in this candor then the popsickle anyhow will not make make make it to the table of my foundational beliefs. for him, it was always hard. even when procurement of tenors and billiard tables were part of kaleidoscope and hamburgers, we made happy days out of paper and gum. toilet balls and idiomatic couples were considered to be interested in buying it. what monstrisity! to be sold into france and epoch of the underside of the belly is a light and sun is brown. to make one happy, one needs a queen.
quality paper and professional connectivity spurns the desire of one man to let the other man make his phonecall because he always knows that there lies beyond the lake a pew and a pop. garden is too much of primitivity. in fact, the beginning proved to have too many stripes coming on to the feasible fall of rain wind dew that fell just like concordance page numbers (those you follow in on until nothing happens). i am the falling tree.
see to it that the curvacious woman and the curly man do not stop at the bolt and the surgery capital and mobsters! beyond the celuloid! this is the culmination of Dogma. what else did the pony do when all it could really do was to rub ointment into the hearts of men? in spite of that, the shutters kept coming down so that the little conversations all came together to become a single chapter. perhaps this was the way to tell the hours were not making enough cabbage.
vernon, feel free to insult me now.
1:12 pm ]
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
ENGLAND"I'll blog!", i cry to my friends through the opened taxi window as the cab speeds out of nighttime suburbia. i am on my way to england.
last night, i dreamt i was going to england. i think i was going there to work, but the whole thing felt like i was going to study. now, i wonder if it was a bible school or something. i was farewelling with my friends in a house, and then i left. the taxi drove like a madcab, hurling itself down slopes and gaps in the road into where the entire vehicle ought fall. but somehow, the car kept on the ground. at a certain point, i looked out and noticed the wheel completely broken, turned sideways and flipping horizontally as the rubber (or whatever was left there) hit the road. by this time, as in typical dreamstate fashion, audrey and clarissa (with whom i carpool everyday) were suddenly in the car, and i alerted them to the wheels.
i remember being there... on a morning, walking through streets, looking at shops. i've never actually been there but it felt like england. i don't know what i was doing but i remember feeling that responsible feeling, of having to find accomodation, sort out enrolment, those sorts of things. it was bright, it was sunny. cool wind and opened shops. but there weren't people on the road with me, i seemed alone in all this. and it felt nostalgic, like i was taken back to a place i knew. in my head, i wondered if it was london.
back home, i was with my family. this was before my trip. ernest said that since i was now making "their money", i could easily afford something. when i woke up, i remembered what that something was. there was a figure to how much it cost as well. now, i can't remember.
i was very excited. i was very, very happy to be there, on the streets. all the real emotions were there, at the height of their saturation. this was probably my most emotional dream in a long, long time. and then, as all good dreams end, i woke up.
3:41 pm ]