Youngest kid of six with an inferiority and black sheep complex, but determined that God saves not just his soul to heaven but the remainder of his manic-depressive life, so others won't say he became a Christian and remained a jerk.
i won't be transparent before i'm opaque. and you'll get to know me starting from the small things: who my favourite bands are. what kind of movies i like. who are my heroes.
I’m convinced that when confronted with sincere, real love, the Jesus factor will become obvious. But let’s not plant the cross before we carry it. I’m not trying to con you.
Some dreams are meant to be achieved. I know that. But maybe other dreams are meant to drive us, privately. Never known to anyone but ourselves.
It is a sadness that, when choosing between crying and sighing, will choose sighing. I'd almost say that melancholy is being sad about sadness itself.
On memory and nostalgia
It saddens me when life moves forward and people decide that certain things are worth forgetting.
I've learnt that the word irregardless is filed as a non-standard word in the English language. That's a lexicographer's way of saying it's not a real word.
Crowds are fickle things. So when we stand in the thousands and cry against the present government, do we know who we're actually crying for?
People always want the best for themselves. But I want to sometimes take second or third or fourth best, just so that the loser down the road doesn't always have to come in last. It must feel like shit to always come in last.
On growing old
Leasehold property make me feel sad. It doesn't matter how old the family photos are that you put on your wall. It's your family but it's not really your wall.
I ask you, if God loves everyone, and if God is also incapable of loving evil, how can there be such a thing as an evil man?
On a daily basis
One line quips, like this.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
THE DISPOSABLE HOME
Some jobs will send you places. in fact, some jobs specialise in sending you places.
i heard of this company that offers you some really swanky career opportunities. the ladder, if you wanted to climb it, was yours to climb. you even get to travel.
yes. you travel. a lot. the idea behind all that travelling is that just before you can start putting roots down, they pick you up and send you on another exciting adventure. this way, you never get to form meaningful attachments to people or places. you're always just passing by. and the only attachment you can form is towards your company.
why else wouldn't you start climbing?
on the same day that i conceived of this post, a friend talked about never having known what it's like to have a longstanding home. always living out of a suitcase, so to speak. i happen to know what having a home is like. and i treasure it. putting roots down is a very meaningful thing to me. israel travelled forty years to find it. some people spend their whole lives running away from it.
me. i intend to hold on to it.
Labels: identity, travel
5:53 pm ]
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
...just let today go away.
5:01 pm ]
THE DISPOSABLE BOYFRIEND
I once knew a girl who had a boyfriend. and we were all uni students together. and i remember her planning for an overseas postgraduate course without her boyfriend in mind. in her plans, she would get up one morning, fly to another country, live there for two years and then see if things work out.
i've been disturbed by that ever since. is it really normal to start relationships and then plan your life without those relationships in mind? maybe that's the wrong question. maybe the right question is how much should you plan your life around the relationships you start? changing a job, buying a car, putting money down... maybe. migrating to another country? maybe?
really? people really do things like that?
apparently they do.
in a world where identity is forged more between nine and five than in any other hour, it is boyfriends and girlfriends that become disposable. if he doesn't fit into the plan, he wasn't meant for me. if she's fated to be with me, she'll get up one morning, fly to another country and live there for two years. with me.
i'm sad today for all the boyfriends and girlfriends out there whose partners are already planning an overseas life without them. i wonder how they're gonna find out.
Labels: melancholy, society
1:22 pm ]
Friday, May 23, 2008
romania has a defender called Rat
against holland, italy and france
dunno how a Rat is gonna stop themFergus
he's gonna... do a lot of running
i wonder if romania can squeak out a result in that group
see if they can gnaw their way into the second roundtheyap
unless the oponents are cheesy, in which case he might eat them for breakfastFergus
it's gonna be raining cats and dogs between italy, france and holland
they must find romania to be... such a pesttheyap
: well, unless of course if he happens to be an attacking fullback, then he can attack them like a plagueFergus
: shit, i'm all out on bad punstheyap
: i bet he can trap the ball welltheyap
: hmm and if he can, Romania might be able to tail the others enough to get throughFergus
: yeah, if not they'll just have to take the mickey
Labels: dialogue, humour
2:21 pm ]
ON ABSOLUTE VALUES AND MY NEW MOST DISLIKED POLITICIAN
Have you read the one where mukhriz mahathir takes a swipe at zaid ibrahim for "realising the opposition's goals" in his fight for more judicial fairness? this mukhriz really pisses me off.
mukhriz mahathir - just because there are BN politicians out there taking the high road doesn't mean that they are serving pakatan rakyat. if your values aren't compatible with that of zaid ibrahim's - or the people's - that doesn't mean that zaid is working for the enemy. it just means that you are irrelevant. and out of sync with the heartbeat of the rakyat.
do not confuse absolute values with party agendas. justice. fairness. the only reason why pakatan rakyat look like they monopolise these values is because BN people like you have no interest in them.
10:19 am ]
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
DEATH THREAT TYPOMalaysiakini
reproduced this death threat this morning, the one telling Karpal Singh that he should keep his mouth shut or risk taking a bullet in the head. Sure, there are some valid arguments surrounding the dispute on the rights of the sultans, and sure, the death threat sounds threatening enough - it came with a bullet, it's written in... comic sans. and it's an amara... wait.
did they say "amaram"?
oh dear, they DID say "amaram"! it's an "amaram pertama" for karpal singh. be warned karpal. kau sudah terima amaram!
oh and just in case you were wondering, there are 29 exclamation marks on that last line. i wonder if it's a cryptic message.
Labels: in the papers, language
9:38 am ]
Sunday, May 18, 2008
TO SARAH, ON CITY OF ANGELS
It's a terrible movie. one of God's angels, who's spent the entire history of the world killing people, one day decides that he's fallen in love with - of all the women possible - meg ryan, and then decides to dump his eternal status for one night of fornication (see disgusting pic
) only to have her die moments after so that he has the rest of his life to think about what made him such a jerk. you know, the money you pay to see that kind of film can be earned back. but the two hours you spend cannot. it's wasted life. you know when the bible talks about the years the locusts have eaten? it's talking about movies like that.
7:32 am ]
Saturday, May 17, 2008
AL DANTE MORNING
Sleeping in on saturdays is like frying something on a big fire. stay in your slumberland wok too long and the rest of your day is sluggish. haul yourself out too quick and you won't really recover from the week that has just gone by.
today was my al dante morning. i got up at just the right time.
10:30 am ]
Friday, May 16, 2008
ON GOD'S SIDE
Is God on your side?
no, i'm serious. is the almighty God, who could choose right now to be on the side of anyone he so pleases, choosing to be on yours? why should he? is it just because you love him? is it because he ought to be on the side of those who go to church and call themselves christians?
this morning, i came to this conclusion.
God is not on our side.
God is on his own side.
his side is defending the weak, feeding the poor, bringing healing to those who are scarred and bringing forgiveness to those who are hurt. his side is finding shelter for the homeless and finding belonging for those who are scattered. his side is bringing reconciliation to those in war and bringing Jesus to those who have never known what it's like to receive sacrificial love.
this morning, as i drove out to work, it hit me. God is on his own side. he doesn't do the choosing.
i do the choosing. i choose to be on his side or not.
9:36 am ]
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
THE TEN STEPS OF CONVERSION
My buddy jack has just bought himself a new imac that's so good-looking, you want to spank its monitor just because you don't look as good as it does. not only is it a gorgeous machine, it's also got the best in it.
as a two-day-old owner of his very own macintosh, jack has already discovered that the only things standing between his brilliant mind and a fully designed and burned dvd are about eight to ten clicks of a very handsome mouse.
ahh, and he says he will never convert. it's only for the office, he so bravely blogs
! never abandon the cause of the populist pc, he says! "viva la peecee" he decrees!
ladies and gentlemen, i present to you the 10 steps of conversion.
step 1 - exciting contact
step 2 - daring leap
step 3 - bliss
step 4 - steady realisation
step 5 - denial of exclusivism
step 6 - adjusted normalcy
step 7 - emerging dependence
step 8 - escalating addiction
step 9 - denial of all others
step 10 - evangelism
jackydoo here is at step 5. i rest my case.
10:02 am ]
IF I WROTE SOMETHING
If i wrote something
would you read it?
6:00 am ]
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
TO QUOTE: ON NOT KNOWING
"I don't know that I don't know what I don't know."- Me
6:00 am ]
Monday, May 12, 2008
TO QUOTE: ON NOTHING
"Nothing comes from nothing except nothing."- Me
6:00 am ]
Sunday, May 11, 2008
I HATE CYBERCAFES
...because of the cussing jerks there.
6:00 am ]
Saturday, May 10, 2008
I WAITED EVERY MORNING
Why should i enlarge my heart for you?
6:00 am ]
Friday, May 09, 2008
I'm not kidding. i know i'm the lousy child.
6:00 am ]
Thursday, May 08, 2008
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY"i understand that you're very busy.""u give her a ring ... since in general you don't spend too much time with them when they come""the rest of us are with them the whole two days ... you know what I mean""i just don't want them to feel like your other life is more important than them""i know you call them, but sometimes ... when your parents come all the way, and you live here in kl, calling them seems like a far away thing to do""i'm telling you this for the long term""make time for your parents as you'd do for the people you love""just telling you ... that physical presence does mean a lot"
the next time any one of you guys meet me, can you please drive a knife into my chest and stay with me until i'm really dead?
6:39 pm ]
9 and you're bustchris
: 10 and you're boobs
(about five mins later)chris
: u distracted me!
i need another...
: gosh i hate to think what that makes you
10:45 am ]
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
In The red street diner
, i wrote about a girl who goes home to discover that her hometown and family have disappeared.
after writing that, a part of my life also disappeared. it was my old blog.
goodchristianboy.modblog.com was in many ways the heyday of this corner of the internet. i remember attracting 80 hits every day, mostly from the small but supportive modblog community. it was the blog on which i started blogging.
i had a voice when i was there. i blogged about my journey of faith, philosophised about god, life and christianity and preached like a legitimate preacherboy with a pocketful of relevant verses and an altar call at the end.
modblog closed down in january 06 and along with it died my voice.
i wonder, how did i lose my voice? was it work? was it time? or growing old? maybe i started learning that christian material without the edge of cynicism came across as uncool. i stopped talking about jesus online. the blog of a flawed guy trying to get it right became the blog of a flawed guy trying hard to get it more wrong. by march 07, this place was already steeped in defeat. by july, it got about as bitter as it could get.
sometimes we lose things in life. and we replace them with new things. i found myself a home here on blogger. for the first few months, my modblog could still be viewed but i was so stupid, i never backed up my posts. i kept saying, one of these days i'll back up all those posts. one of those days became one of those weeks. one day, it just couldn't be viewed anymore. in its place, a page error.
i'd lost all my posts.
two years of my documented life, erased from the internet. maybe it was just as well. i had seemingly lost the same heart that posted them.
last night, athalia
told me about something.
she told me about webarchive.org
. they have this search engine there called the wayback machine and what it does is, every two months, its robots crawl all over the internet and archive web pages. it's been doing this since the 1990s.
athalia told me that it's there. that's she's found it. my modblog. she found my modblog.
today, i saw it for myself.
ripped around the edges, with pages falling off the spine, sat my modblog in the middle of some monster filing cabinet of digital garbage. some of the posts never got archived. but many of them are there. i'm not making the same mistake twice. today, i started backing them up, from 2004 onwards. i'm even reposting peoples' comments with the names they used back then.
rebuilding your past in a new home is like putting old photos behind new frames. and as i read what fergus wrote at 24, i'm starting to wonder if it's really a bunch of posts that i've recovered, or perhaps a voice that had been dead for too long.
Labels: christianity, housekeeping, identity, memory and nostalgia
4:41 pm ]