Youngest kid of six with an inferiority and black sheep complex, but determined that God saves not just his soul to heaven but the remainder of his manic-depressive life, so others won't say he became a Christian and remained a jerk.
i won't be transparent before i'm opaque. and you'll get to know me starting from the small things: who my favourite bands are. what kind of movies i like. who are my heroes.
I’m convinced that when confronted with sincere, real love, the Jesus factor will become obvious. But let’s not plant the cross before we carry it. I’m not trying to con you.
Some dreams are meant to be achieved. I know that. But maybe other dreams are meant to drive us, privately. Never known to anyone but ourselves.
It is a sadness that, when choosing between crying and sighing, will choose sighing. I'd almost say that melancholy is being sad about sadness itself.
On memory and nostalgia
It saddens me when life moves forward and people decide that certain things are worth forgetting.
I've learnt that the word irregardless is filed as a non-standard word in the English language. That's a lexicographer's way of saying it's not a real word.
Crowds are fickle things. So when we stand in the thousands and cry against the present government, do we know who we're actually crying for?
People always want the best for themselves. But I want to sometimes take second or third or fourth best, just so that the loser down the road doesn't always have to come in last. It must feel like shit to always come in last.
On growing old
Leasehold property make me feel sad. It doesn't matter how old the family photos are that you put on your wall. It's your family but it's not really your wall.
I ask you, if God loves everyone, and if God is also incapable of loving evil, how can there be such a thing as an evil man?
On a daily basis
One line quips, like this.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
To my leaders
if you want me to be transparent
i'll need something from you first.
i'll need you to get to know me. i know you want to know me, to know the transparent parts. the hidden parts. the juicy parts. i know you want me to confess to you all the remorse and sorrow and hurt and guilt and hopes and fears and lust and greed and deception and vulnerability and ambition.
but i won't be transparent before i'm opaque. i know i've not been faithful with the small things. i need to work on that. and i'll need you to get to know me starting from the small things too. you'll need to know who my favourite bands are. what kind of movies i like. who are my heroes. what i love about football and beer and buddies. whether or not i'm a nightbird these days. do i like coffee? what would i eat for breakfast? what would i do with a million bucks? or an extra thousand. right now.
and i'll let you know me. i'm not hard to get to know. those who have tried found me. and then some people never really tried. i want you to know me. and i want to know you. but i won't make myself transparent for you to observe if you're not yet observing me while i'm still opaque. don't mind me. it's a trust thing.
from now on, i'll only trust someone with my secret side if they bother to know the easy things.
Labels: friendship, identity
9:23 am ]
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
ON NEW DEPTHS OF SELF-LOATHING
They can take me now.
yes, they can pick me apart with their pickaxes and dismantle me for good. because i don't really want to face tomorrow anymore. i don't want the pain of dealing with this unpredictable everyday so they can swoop in for me right about now, and finish me off.
i don't want happy tomorrows. i don't want better days. i don't want a hope and a future. i have in my two hands sorrow and a deathwish, and i choose the latter.
i don't want to keep on fighting.
and i loathe myself with a new depth of hatred. someone once said that you should learn something new everyday. today has taught me that i will never be well. i will always be a failure, and no amount of cosmetic success is ever going to plaster over the fact that i will never make the grade.
2:29 pm ]
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
: btw, how's it going? life good? have u failed ALL the challenges set up b4 u or conquered them all??fergus
: i failed. i failure. i fail.
I'm not actually such a miserable bastard. sure, i'm defeatist most of the time and whenever i'm not, i'm defeated. still, there's a very secretive side of me that believes my future will be a good one. it's the same side that dreams of living in a trailer house, make homemade toys for my kids, not have tv, and marry a girl who doesn't want a diamond ring, not because i can't afford one but because she agrees with me that her love can never be purchased by jewelry.
i sincerely believe that my future is far from dystopic.
Labels: defeat, dialogue, hope
4:13 pm ]
THE WESTIN HOTEL PHONECALL
I got a call from this telemarketer from westin hotel. some girl wanted me to become a member so i could fine dine and live in their rooms on the cheap. we got a running gag where i sit in the office. that the next time a telemarketer calls me, i'll pull a fast one on them. so when the call from this girl from westin came in, there were knowing smiles around me.
lady: hi, is this mister fergus?
lady: i'm miss blablabla calling from westin hotel. do you know westin hotel in bukit bintang?
fergus: is that the one next to the whale aquarium?
: ha? aquarium?fergus
: ya, the one that has whales. near sungei wang.
lady: errr... no mister fergus. it's at blablablabla....
fergus: oh ok
lady: can i ask, are you local?
fergus: yes, i'm local
lady: oh, ok. anyway, mister fergus, do you want me to tell you about the details of our packages?
fergus: errr... nola, i'm not interested. i don't go to hotels wan
lady: mister fergus, we actually have a package where you can blablabla 50% discount on the room blablabla
fergus: it's ok. i don't need to stay in hotel. i got a house here oredi
lady: oh but mister fergus you go on holidays right? with this package you can go to any westin blablabla
fergus: nola, i don't travel wan.
lady: then your friends? i'm sure you have a lot of friends, maybe they get married and go for honeymoon
fergus: my friends honeymoon all go to melaka wan
lady: aiyo mister fergus, you can ask them to upgrade mah
lady: then ah, but you can also go to the restaurant you know mister fergus. you can have blablabla discount
fergus: nola, i eat mamak food wan. and tai chow
lady: aiyoh, mister fergus i'm sure you can upgrade oso right?
fergus: cannot la, i every month make 500 dollars only
lady: no need to worry, it's not 500 dollars every month. if you join this package you pay an annual blablabla
fergus: no, every month, my salaray only 500 dollars, how to eat in hotel?
lady: ohhh... then do you have any friends who will like to become a member?
fergus: don't have la, all my friends poor wan
lady: mister fergus i'm sure you have, just a name and number maybe?
I stand up and walk to my collague's desk to see his phone number.
fergus: got one, wait... i give you his number
lady: ok, ok, you give me his number
fergus: it's 831240**
lady: is it 03?
fergus: yes, it's 03
: can i have his name?
fergus: ya. he is mister ravi
lady: thank you ya mister fergus lady
: you don't have his handphone number isit?
fergus: don't have la
lady: i see. okla. thanks anyway mister fergus
fergus: no worries. bye
my colleagues break into applause. what a laugh.
Labels: dialogue, happenings, humour
2:52 pm ]
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
To ten different people, this is what I want to say to you.
1. I've been lying to you
2. I fear you more than anyone else
3. Most of the time, I forget that I'm betraying you
4. You've taught me the cost of friendship
5. It will never, ever be the same again
6. I have such a deep respect for you
7. Yes, I know I've been neglecting you
8. I wish I could tell you what a big mistake you're making
9. You will never know how happy I was just sitting next to you
10. Only you can understand me now
Labels: friendship, identity
4:26 pm ]
Sunday, October 14, 2007
CORONATIONI am an antichrist. i am an anarchist.- The Sex Pistols, Anarchy in the UK
A lot has happened since my last uprising. i reveled in my coup d’etat. admired all the rebel heroes. how revolutionary they were! how modern. how cataclysmically violent! ah, was it not mao who said that a revolution is not a dinner party? i loved it. every minute of it.
it’s all empty now. there’s no more beer in the can. the roads have been unswept for weeks and there’s grass growing out of the sidewalk cracks. there are sunny days still, but they've only given me cloudy joy. otherwise, it’s just a blustery existence. they say that revolts don’t work because revolters don’t know what to do when they stop revolting. i am an anarchist. today, i let up.
i met you. you were gentle. gentle with yourself, and gentle with me. you smiled, but only after you were finished talking. you looked unsure. were you unsure about me? if you were, it showed, but i didn’t let it stop you. it felt good to see you. it felt good to let you walk near me.
pull up a chair.
i’m sorry it’s dusty. your feet… i’m sorry. i didn’t clean this place up. i’ve left it like this for a while now.
i’ve got this thing. i want you to wear it. have you heard of arcade fire? they call this thing a crown of love.
from now on, can you call the shots? i’m not good at this. and can you help me clean up the streets? wash the walls and pull out the weeds? i’m no good at decoration. maybe you can help me dress this place up.
now that you’re here, it’s okay. you can tell me what to do. i’ll listen. and i’ll try my best to follow. you can tell me if i’ve crossed the line. here’s some chalk. you can draw new lines.
just be around. i don’t want you to not be around. and while you’re around, wearing my crown of love, i’ll listen to you.
i’ll try my best to follow.
Labels: identity, survival
9:49 pm ]
Monday, October 08, 2007
THE STUPIDITY OF THE WORLD
Why can't some people take responsibility for their own stupidity? i mean, i can be a real stupidhead sometimes and i've made a slew of dumbass decisions before. but if someone came up to me and said "fergus, you were such a dumbass", i'd probably be the first to agree. not this one kid.
this kid called dederer, in this lawsuit, dives off a bridge that has a signboard that says do not dive. apparently lots of other kids dive there all the time, and that the council knows about it. so yes, this is a town full of stupid fools. so what happens to this kid? he snaps his neck and becomes a tetraplegic. what does he do? he sues the council. this is what he says.
if the council had made triangular surfaces on the bridge railing, it would have made it harder for him to stand on the railing and dive off it.
if the council had explained more properly on the signboard why diving there was dangerous, he might have known better.
and he goes on and on. sure, he's a kid, a teenager. but there's something seriously wrong with the world when a person is not only stupid enough to flagrantly break a warning sign, he has the audacity, the gall to blame someone else for not protecting him against himself. and what more, the lower courts actually ruled in his favour.
stupidity is a fact of life. we all display it in different degrees and at some point, if we are going to be reconciled to who we fully and truly are, we are gonna need to take a good look at our own stupidities and come to terms with it. this kid needs to accept that he was a bloody idiot and now he's a tetraplegic and that tetraplegia is proportionate to his stupidity. i have to accept that i've been a bloody idiot and today i'm a messed up 27-year-old and that mess is proportionate to my stupidity.
and as long as we keep shoving the buck around, our world is definitely going to the dogs.
11:20 am ]
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Today is the kind of day when idealism dies in a young man.
i used to have this idea, that when i got a girlfriend, i would be the perfect boyfriend to her. i would make her birthday cards, never yell at her, be sensitive to all her moods, be great with her family, and always be the one with an olive branch in hand. i tried that.
it doesn't work.
there is no such thing as a perfect boyfriend. all boys and all friends and all boyfriends come faulty and poorly assembled. and at some point they screw up. i've screwed up.
and as much as i wish i could live the rest of my life unshackled from the guilt or mystery of my failure, i know that my inability to learn from the past will imprison me forever. and forever, i will go on diving headlong into tangles of knotted heartstrings, forever i will put my heart between the chopping block and the cleaver, and forever, because i am such an absent-minded dickhead, i'm going to do something or want something or become someone who can astoundingly and magically massacre a perfectly good relationship. and i will live with that guilt. forever.
where will i go wrong next?
go all soft and lose who i am? become a jerk and piss the world off? or keep trying hard? yeah. keep trying hard to straddle that mythical line between being likeable and being honest, that invisible, possibly non-existent space that is at once loving yet sensationally true to oneself, and uncompromising with one's hopes for a dreamed life. because you see, the day i set my foot into that illusory puddle once more, that's the day my failure becomes complete.
no, i will never be anyone's perfect boyfriend and i'll be damned if i ever strive towards it.
rob bell, when talking about the superpastor complex in velvet elvis
, said this:
"I've met so many people who have a superwhatever rattling around in their head. The have this person they are convinced they are supposed to be, and their superwhatever is killing them. They have this image they have picked up over the years about how they are supposed to look and act and work and play and talk, and it's like a voice that never stops shouting in their ear.
And the only way to not be killed by it is to shoot first.
Yes, that is what I meant to write.
You have to kill your superwhatever.
And you have to do it right now.
Because your superwhatever will rob you of your today and your tomorrow and the next day until you take it out back and end its life.
Go do it."
And so, superboyfriend, today you die.
Labels: defeat, identity
3:33 pm ]
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
: it's octoberrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. i remember writing a blogpost last october about not recovering fully yet from the october before that.Fergus
: yeah. october schmocktober. it looks every bit like a doomladen month. full of mishaps, emotional eggshells and fear. heck, it might even come bundled in with anger, overwork and abandonment. life looks bloody good this octobereevonchung
: you and adrian combined...i dunnoFergus
: together, we can terminate existenceeevonchung
: yeah that's the word. it was so doomladen i couldn't bring myself to say it.
Labels: defeat, dialogue
5:43 pm ]
THE LICENSE TO BE NOT OK
I wanna be the kind of person who can be honest and upfront say "hi guys. i'm not okay". people need that room. you know, to sometimes not be okay. in fact, people need the room to sometimes flat out be tremendously not okay and be able to push that un-okness to the absolute length of it. it's healthy.
right now, for instance. i want to be able to tell the people around me, "i'm gonna sit in a corner now and answer all questions monosyllabically. but if you wanna meet me on a nice day, tommorrow should be a good bet". it can only be healthy. the next best thing is to shut up. the worst thing for someone in my shoes now to do is to actually wear a black face and say "no, i'm fine".
sure, we all have that intrinsic need to keep face, show face, be nice and abstain from general bastardism. well, this is my new interpretation of this intrinsic need then. i shall, from now onwards, exercise this basic human trait by telling it like it is.
Labels: dialogue, identity
5:11 pm ]
Monday, October 01, 2007
It's been blustery. it drizzles most of the time and rains when it doesn't. the sky is an indecipherable grey. like candy floss that forgot how to be candy.
on the road, there are puddles and the grass is sloshy. from my desk, i can see a distant hill, and it's a grey-green. i wonder, if i painted that hill, what colours would i mix to get that colour? it's so drab. almost as drab as the sky. and everywhere, over everything, there seems to hang this cloak of melancholy. a rainy day laziness that makes you think about life and the past.
i remember a comparable evening in melbourne. i drove down royal parade between rows of fiery autumn trees. the sky was dull. that drab melbournian autumn sky. and as i drove under those trees, the leaves started falling on my car.all the leaves are brown. and the sky is grey.
and here i sit. older. changed. in an entirely different world. the people around me are different. but the thoughts in my head are the same. i'm thinking that i love this landscape. this windy place with its watercolour finish.
i love these rainy days.
Labels: growing old, melancholy
9:49 am ]