BLOGGER



Youngest kid of six with an inferiority and black sheep complex, but determined that God saves not just his soul to heaven but the remainder of his manic-depressive life, so others won't say he became a Christian and remained a jerk.


MAIN THEMES

On identity
i won't be transparent before i'm opaque. and you'll get to know me starting from the small things: who my favourite bands are. what kind of movies i like. who are my heroes.

On Christianity
I’m convinced that when confronted with sincere, real love, the Jesus factor will become obvious. But let’s not plant the cross before we carry it. I’m not trying to con you.

On dreams
Some dreams are meant to be achieved. I know that. But maybe other dreams are meant to drive us, privately. Never known to anyone but ourselves.


OTHER THEMES

On melancholy
It is a sadness that, when choosing between crying and sighing, will choose sighing. I'd almost say that melancholy is being sad about sadness itself.

On memory and nostalgia
It saddens me when life moves forward and people decide that certain things are worth forgetting.

On language
I've learnt that the word irregardless is filed as a non-standard word in the English language. That's a lexicographer's way of saying it's not a real word.

On politics
Crowds are fickle things. So when we stand in the thousands and cry against the present government, do we know who we're actually crying for?

On society
People always want the best for themselves. But I want to sometimes take second or third or fourth best, just so that the loser down the road doesn't always have to come in last. It must feel like shit to always come in last.

On growing old
Leasehold property make me feel sad. It doesn't matter how old the family photos are that you put on your wall. It's your family but it's not really your wall.

On philosophy
I ask you, if God loves everyone, and if God is also incapable of loving evil, how can there be such a thing as an evil man?

On a daily basis
One line quips, like this.


CHAT





Friday, December 07, 2007
CONCERNING A BAD DREAM ON INDIAN MYSTICS AND A DISMEMBERED HEAD

I was in a room, a common room, and there were lots of people, sitting rows of tables. everyone was happy, and they were talking, and it was noisy. and then, it all fell quiet. an uneasy silence struck the room. an indian mystic had walked in. he was tall, wearing what must have been a grey/blue robe, though i didn't see his face. he was carrying a dismembered head.

as he walked from table to table, i knew the people were afraid of him. this wasn't the first time he'd made an entry, i could tell. behind the mystic were two other subordinates, who followed him wherever he went and chanted and performed rituals. the mystic went to the tables and put the dismembered head down, and did his rites. the people were afraid of it. nobody dared to leave.

i was there with ernest. the mystic reached my table and started performing his rites with the head in front of us. i remember ernest looking up at the mystic and begging him not to do it. i remember standing up, stretching my hand out and praying.

i prayed until i woke up and found myself really praying in real life.

i've been having disturbing, occultic dreams recently. it's starting to get a bit worrying. looks like i gotta keep being guarded.

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Genusfrog [ 9:54 am ] | 0 comments

Tuesday, January 09, 2007
THE DREAMING

Last night, i dreamt that i was driving in a car with mel. it was night. and there were all these motorbikers in front of us. and then, at a sharp right turn, two of the bikers fell and they and their bikes spun and flew into a ditch on the right. we stopped our car and went down to look, and other people were doing that too. mel was concerned about them but i told her "it's ok, these guys know what they're doing" (which incidentally is my reallife approach to unruly bikers).

suddenly, the place was swarming with cops and people. people were getting arrested and there was a court room set up right there by the roadside, with road blocks and tons of people. the cops were controlling traffic - not to drive people away, but to keep those present there. one lady was on the bench, a chinese lady in glasses, short hair. she looked like one of those fiery activists as she defiantly defended the dreamscape criminals. in my dream, i knew that she was trying to protect the identity of the criminals (what crime was it?) and she refused to tell the court anything.

and then, when questioned, this lady began pulling out all these russian writers and quoted them in russian to the assembly before her. first she pulled out tolstoy and started screaming at the court. then she pulled out dostoevsky. then i remember telling mel that we had to go and we tried to leave but the cops wouldn't let the crowd disperse. and then the dream ended.


THE WAKING

"...and there were all these motorbikers in front of us."
on saturday, i met some new people and we talked about local movies, and one of them asked me if i saw Rempit. i became conscious again about motorbike gangs.

"...and then, at a sharp right turn, two of the bikers fell ... and flew into a ditch on the right"
last night, after speeding around the bend in the road, jack said: "i call that the RSD hairpin, the one i drove a 100 miles at. It just came up at me, so insidious".

"Suddenly, the place was swarming with cops and ... people were getting arrested"
yesterday, at work, charlotte was showing me pictures of a protest she attended, and there were cops and tons of people, and i was told they had tear gas ready.

"...a chinese lady in glasses, short hair. she looked like one of those fiery activists..."
on sunday, i had lunch and a good long chat with one of my cell members reena, who is a chinese lady with short hair, sometimes wears glasses, and has the zeal of an activist.

"And then, when questioned, this lady began pulling out all these russian writers and quoted them..."
yesterday, while looking for a new wallpaper, i came across a the hot red cover of a book called Ni Marx Ni Jesus, about revolutions. I equate redness and marx with russia.

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Genusfrog [ 9:40 am ] | 1 comments

Thursday, May 04, 2006

There was a kopitiam, and an arts festival. people were reading poetry.
It felt like singapore, and it was nighttime.

Raveonettes were playing, and i was on stage with them.

And then it was morning, and i woke up.

It was a dream come true that didn't come true.

It was a dream come.

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Genusfrog [ 11:36 am ] | 0 comments

Tuesday, July 12, 2005
BRAIN SURGERY

Last night, i dreamt that i needed brain surgery. In my dream, i remember...

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Genusfrog [ 2:58 pm ] | 0 comments

Wednesday, February 02, 2005
ENGLAND

"I'll blog!", i cry to my friends through the opened taxi window as the cab speeds out of nighttime suburbia. i am on my way to england.

last night, i dreamt i was going to england. i think i was going there to work, but the whole thing felt like i was going to study. now, i wonder if it was a bible school or something. i was farewelling with my friends in a house, and then i left. the taxi drove like a madcab, hurling itself down slopes and gaps in the road into where the entire vehicle ought fall. but somehow, the car kept on the ground. at a certain point, i looked out and noticed the wheel completely broken, turned sideways and flipping horizontally as the rubber (or whatever was left there) hit the road. by this time, as in typical dreamstate fashion, audrey and clarissa (with whom i carpool everyday) were suddenly in the car, and i alerted them to the wheels.

i remember being there... on a morning, walking through streets, looking at shops. i've never actually been there but it felt like england. i don't know what i was doing but i remember feeling that responsible feeling, of having to find accomodation, sort out enrolment, those sorts of things. it was bright, it was sunny. cool wind and opened shops. but there weren't people on the road with me, i seemed alone in all this. and it felt nostalgic, like i was taken back to a place i knew. in my head, i wondered if it was london.

back home, i was with my family. this was before my trip. ernest said that since i was now making "their money", i could easily afford something. when i woke up, i remembered what that something was. there was a figure to how much it cost as well. now, i can't remember.

i was very excited. i was very, very happy to be there, on the streets. all the real emotions were there, at the height of their saturation. this was probably my most emotional dream in a long, long time. and then, as all good dreams end, i woke up.

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Genusfrog [ 3:41 pm ] | 0 comments

Saturday, September 18, 2004
RECURRING DREAM ABOUT SWITCHING ON LIGHTS

Apparently, i am anxiously trying to solve something that isn't working.

you see, i have this recurring dream. it used to happen a lot and after a hiatus, it has returned with a sinister twist.

i am usually in a house, a building and it is almost always night time. i am always alone. the room that i am in is always dark and usually becoming darker as i stay there. i go to the switch panel and try to turn on the lights. i flick at all the switches but no light comes on. as this happens, i start to panic and i flick at the switches with even more urgency. everywhere is getting darker and darker and i feel a threat approaching. still, the lights don't come on. i fail. i am failed. usually, i either enter one of those "frozen" moments or i wake up or i go into another more harrowing dream after.

now these dreams have been interpreted by some as me trying to solve a problem in my life that isn't working; that i'm trying in futile to rectify a worsening situation. that's quite straightforward but generally, i don't buy into dream interpretations easily. in recent months, these dreams have left me. but just last night, it came back with a twist.

i was driving on the road at night, alone. the road had no other cars. and true to form, my car lights were not on. i shouldn't be able to see the road but somehow, i do. i keep turning the light switch next to my wheel but no light comes on. i start to panic and i keep turning the switch on and off but no light comes on as i drive. eventually, i see a bus by the side of the road and i pull off in front of it. i go into a series of other strange dreams but the rest is irrelevant.

which makes me think... am i fearing something impending? am i so impotent at rectifying my problems? or is it more allegorical - perhaps it says something about my faith, my calling on God in times of darkness. i don't like these dreams one bit. they are extremely harrowing and disturbing and i usually wake up relieved but distressed. i feel completely powerless. i feel the fear of the increasing darkness, the loneliness and worry of facing the threat by myself, and the fact that it always comes at night just makes it all the more sinister. and the last thing i need now, after my recent car misfortunes, is to have my old recurring dream return with me behind the wheel at night. but the dreamworld, it seems, has no mercy over such concerns. it seems to thrive on them.

christians, freudians, lay people. lend me your ears. what do these mean? surely i will pray over it and ask Father to take such dreams away. if in fact they are from the evil one then i know they will not persist. or is it psychological? a deep set, repressed anxiety, desire, unfulfilled or a fear left unconquered? josephs! tell me!

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Genusfrog [ 2:06 pm ] | 0 comments

Wednesday, June 09, 2004
NEIGHBOURHOOD CIRCLES

Some days happen for you. and some days just don't. now, today didn't happen for me.

ever woken up with a strange dream and had it affect you right about till mid-afternoon? i have a tendency to let odd dreams bug me for hours and today was not much different. me and my siblings were having a party by some beach, or at least, some beach resort. we brought a speaker there and i brought my sm58 mic. though i have no clue why, i remember i was talking through the mic but no one was singing or anything. when everyone wanted to go in to the water for a swim, i realised it wasn't safe to leave such an expensive mic lying around. getting instructions on where her car was parked, i headed off to keep it there.

so this leads to a loop, whereby i go around the roads in circles. i keep going back to the same place, passing by the same houses - one of them, a landmark house where i walk through it's garden - assures me that i keep going in circles. i never find winnie's car and i never eventually go back to the resort. i just keep going round and round and round this neighbourhood, and all i can really remember is the mic in my pocket and that house whose garden i keep having to walk through. and then i wake up

grumpy.

actually, i woke up struck with a crippling fear, because far from the dream, i was fearing some other things going on in my life right now. and i don't ever remember being so afraid before. praying about it helped and quiet time helped. after all this, then i became Mr Grumpy. not having much to do - apart from calling a publishing office trying to set an interview date - i parked myself in bed reading Hwa Yung expound on "inculturation of theology". my grumpiness gradually turned into a deep blankness (now there's another oxymoron for ya!). i was mamaking with calvin, mi me and jon - my media core. and i was just so spaced out.

so i've learnt something today. actually... i haven't. it was a dumb dream and though i've found no justification for sharing it here with you, i have. as brodie says, "i must be slipping in my old age".

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Genusfrog [ 11:55 am ] | 0 comments