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Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Genusfrog [ 11:31 am ] | 1 comments

MORNING FERGUS.

happy birthday.

man, this time last year the world wished you happy birthday with an exploded tire. since then you've had your horrendous boot cleaned out and in some ways, you've also been clearing out all the gunk in the trunk of your life. i think you're okay. just want you to know that.

you can be quite a complicated person, fergus. on your day, you almost perfect the art of being a defeatist, conflicted, insecure, unreliable and grossly forgetful person. and you've always been able to pull through either with the mercy of others or with your humanity. but fergus, at twenty eight, life starts to look different. you've always been a nice guy. but dude, you're almost thirty. can't keep relying on your humanity to get you by. i know you're working on it. i think that's great. keep doing it. it's frustrating for you sometimes to relapse, but as long as you keep getting up after a fall, you will be harder to knock down at thirty. and even harder to knock down at thirty five.

i know you're insecure. most of the time, i know when you do something well, it's secretly because you need to prove something to others. usually, to your family. especially your siblings. i don't really know how to say this but i want to release you from that burden of proof. i want to tell you that you don't have to prove anything to them, that nobody is interested in the evidence. i want to tell you that as you grow into a full-fledged man, that they'll look on you less like a child and more as the last among equals. i know that's all you've ever wanted. to be the last among equals.

for a few years now, words have meant a lot to you: words that cut and words that heal. since e06 i think, you've become very sensitive to words that have been spoken to you. i remember you dug up a lot of childhood bile in a few months there, and maybe you never took purposeful time after shooting rsd to process all that bile. you just let it sit there. like vomit, it started to stink after a while. this year, fergs, i want you to work through and process all your scars. when 09 kicks in, i want to see a more reconciled fergus. you good for that? no, don't panic. you know me, i'm not one for instant results. you just show me you're reconciling yourself to all your hurts, that you're more happy to be with your family, and start looking more at peace with yourself. if you can do that, i'll be super happy with you.

ok i'm gonna stop lecturing. here are some things to note.

cut back on that self-loating
cut back on those self-frust pent-up-anger release
do checks before you go anywhere. you're forgetful. but you're also a subeditor. put a checking process in.
say things to yourself that lift you up sometimes. you don't have to do it here. in the car will do. no one's gonna know it's daggy.

and trust in god.
really.

these words sometimes get bandied around until they lose their meaning. but in your life there are people you believe right? if they told you something, you don't doubt them. you take their word for it. fergs, trusting god is not the end. that's what they sometimes forget to tell you in church. it's not the end. it's the means to an end. the real end is relationship. if you want it, you have to give him more, dude. your secrets, hopes, fears, dreams, failures, flaws and sins - your whole humanity. he's not that freaky right? you've known him for what, five years now? six? yeah, six. he's pretty awesome to have by your side and you're pretty awesome to have on his side too. so think about it yea.

be happy today. and be joyful tomorrow. i'm actually proud of you.

your better self,
fergus

Labels: identity