GCB

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Youngest kid of six with an inferiority and black sheep complex, but determined that God saves not just his soul to heaven but the remainder of his manic-depressive life, so others won't say he became a Christian and remained a jerk.

MAIN THEMES

On identity
i won't be transparent before i'm opaque. and you'll get to know me starting from the small things: who my favourite bands are. what kind of movies i like. who are my heroes.

On Christianity
I’m convinced that when confronted with sincere, real love, the Jesus factor will become obvious. But let’s not plant the cross before we carry it. I’m not trying to con you.

On dreams
Some dreams are meant to be achieved. I know that. But maybe other dreams are meant to drive us, privately. Never known to anyone but ourselves.

OTHER THEMES

On melancholy
It is a sadness that, when choosing between crying and sighing, will choose sighing. I'd almost say that melancholy is being sad about sadness itself.

On memory and nostalgia
It saddens me when life moves forward and people decide that certain things are worth forgetting.

On language
I've learnt that the word irregardless is filed as a non-standard word in the English language. That's a lexicographer's way of saying it's not a real word.

On politics
Crowds are fickle things. So when we stand in the thousands and cry against the present government, do we know who we're actually crying for?

On society
People always want the best for themselves. But I want to sometimes take second or third or fourth best, just so that the loser down the road doesn't always have to come in last. It must feel like shit to always come in last.

On growing old
Leasehold property make me feel sad. It doesn't matter how old the family photos are that you put on your wall. It's your family but it's not really your wall.

On philosophy
I ask you, if God loves everyone, and if God is also incapable of loving evil, how can there be such a thing as an evil man?

On a daily basis
One line quips, like this.

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Thursday, March 19, 2009

BIBLE IN A YEAR: GUILT

It's only just occurred to me how matthew ends with two hangings. one is, of course, the hanging of Jesus on the cross. the other is the hanging of judas on a tree in a field. the bible says that he was struck with remorse. He had already tried returning the silver coins to absolve himself of some of the guilt, and when the chief priests with whom he'd been dealing refused to accept it cleanly, he tossed it at them and went off to hang himself. i don't know. this is a very sad picture for me. it's a picture of someone who cannot get over his remorse, and is literally defeated by it. i know cos i know what guilt feels like. but i still don't know guilt that feels worse than death. i guess judas knew that kind of guilt.

(Matt 27)

Labels: bible, christianity, defeat, guilt

Genusfrog [ 10:36 am ] | 0 comments

Friday, September 12, 2008

RESOLVE

I will change, forever.

Labels: daily, guilt

Genusfrog [ 10:40 am ] | 0 comments

Thursday, May 08, 2008

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

"i understand that you're very busy."

"u give her a ring ... since in general you don't spend too much time with them when they come"

"the rest of us are with them the whole two days ... you know what I mean"

"i just don't want them to feel like your other life is more important than them"

"i know you call them, but sometimes ... when your parents come all the way, and you live here in kl, calling them seems like a far away thing to do"

"i'm telling you this for the long term"

"make time for your parents as you'd do for the people you love"

"just telling you ... that physical presence does mean a lot"

the next time any one of you guys meet me, can you please drive a knife into my chest and stay with me until i'm really dead?

Labels: guilt

Genusfrog [ 6:39 pm ] | 0 comments

Monday, March 24, 2008

ON REDEDICATION AND SENSELESS GUILT

Why do i always feel the need to rededicate my life back to Jesus? everytime there's an evangelistic service, and there's a call for salvation, it's usually followed up by a call for rededication. in my brain, i say of course i don't need to rededicate - i'm not exactly backsliding. but in my heart, in the primordial place that festers guilt, i always think i do.

so i ask myself - what do i need to be doing before i feel like i am christian enough? where should i be serving before i feel like i can hold my head up in church? am i confusing a relationship with jesus with a visible display of obedience? am i bastardising service when it's absence makes me feel like i'm not earning my keep in His kingdom? when i see other people serving, i feel terrible. i know it doesn't make them holier, but it makes them more involved. and involvement is good, right? the church says that, right?

there's barely a line between a church exhorting people to serve and a person feeling bad for not serving. i want to stop thinking that i need to go back to god, like i'm a heathen. my head knows i have god. the rest of me should just knock it off.

Labels: christianity, guilt

Genusfrog [ 9:55 am ] | 0 comments