BLOGGER



Youngest kid of six with an inferiority and black sheep complex, but determined that God saves not just his soul to heaven but the remainder of his manic-depressive life, so others won't say he became a Christian and remained a jerk.


MAIN THEMES

On identity
i won't be transparent before i'm opaque. and you'll get to know me starting from the small things: who my favourite bands are. what kind of movies i like. who are my heroes.

On Christianity
I’m convinced that when confronted with sincere, real love, the Jesus factor will become obvious. But let’s not plant the cross before we carry it. I’m not trying to con you.

On dreams
Some dreams are meant to be achieved. I know that. But maybe other dreams are meant to drive us, privately. Never known to anyone but ourselves.


OTHER THEMES

On melancholy
It is a sadness that, when choosing between crying and sighing, will choose sighing. I'd almost say that melancholy is being sad about sadness itself.

On memory and nostalgia
It saddens me when life moves forward and people decide that certain things are worth forgetting.

On language
I've learnt that the word irregardless is filed as a non-standard word in the English language. That's a lexicographer's way of saying it's not a real word.

On politics
Crowds are fickle things. So when we stand in the thousands and cry against the present government, do we know who we're actually crying for?

On society
People always want the best for themselves. But I want to sometimes take second or third or fourth best, just so that the loser down the road doesn't always have to come in last. It must feel like shit to always come in last.

On growing old
Leasehold property make me feel sad. It doesn't matter how old the family photos are that you put on your wall. It's your family but it's not really your wall.

On philosophy
I ask you, if God loves everyone, and if God is also incapable of loving evil, how can there be such a thing as an evil man?

On a daily basis
One line quips, like this.


CHAT





Wednesday, August 01, 2007
THE END OF MY CHRISTIANITY

I am bored with christianity.

yeah. want another scandalous quote? i'm tired and i want a change.

after five years of being a christian, i've finally grown so restless, i know that i can't keep going on the way it is. christianity as i've known it for the last half decade has turned out to be utterly boring and predictable.

it's too damn safe.

when i became a christian, i knew what i was getting myself into. lots of church, friends, comfort and security. but i've fallen in love with another jesus and i'm going to start this breakup pretty soon.

for five years, i've been battling my way around church people whose primary concerns include an assortment of whether keeping books with dragons on them is fine, when i plan to get married and why having children is a commandment of god.

and along the way, i catch myself being inexplicably drawn closer and closer towards a boring, middle-class christianity that's self-centered, security-driven and terribly yuppie. look a bit closer and you'll realise that christianity is actually no more radical than the malaysian dream baptised in jesus' name.

if that is christianity, then i don't want it anymore. if that is the jesus whom i'm giving my life then he's turned out to be such a disappointment. a suburban clone of our bourgeoise times. like i said, i've fallen in love with a jesus who isn't the jesus of church aunties.

the jesus i'm in love with looks a lot more like a terrorist, whose operation demands death and whose method invites being hated. his bomb is love and he infiltrates to free, not to kill, and he does all this on maximum risk.

the jesus i love is a wanted man, hated by the powers that be because the message he carries is so frightening to the haves, they will kill him out of guilt if not out of fear. and i'm convinced that if this is the jesus who tells us "follow me", then i better start working towards being a wanted man. a man the authorities want to subdue.

i'm not talking about being radical for the sake of being radical. we've got enough fundamentalists of every persuasion already. i'm talking about being radical because i now realise that the alternative - the steady income, invest in securities where moth and rust destroy jesus - is a dangerous counterfeit that is keeping old people sedated and young people chasing sedatives.

christianity as i've known it is boring. there's nothing revolutionary about it because we're all too busy looking for life, we forget that we lost it. we lost life, along with the plot, a long time ago.

i am guilty of this myself and for that, i am disgusted with the yuppie, self-serving, vending-machine faith that i've been toting. "god, help me buy the right condominium." how dare i pray that kind of prayer while god still has kids sleeping on the streets every night?

this whole suburban comfort zone christianity is embarrasing. it shames the legacy of the jesus who was fiercely radical, thoroughly homeless and so dangerous, the government found it necessary to torture and kill him.

but i love this jesus. and i want to be like him.

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Genusfrog [ 10:49 am ]

3 Comments:

  • i can nvr put it as eloquently but you just took the words right out of my mouth.

    am in the midst of thinking things thru and wondering where to go in life too -

    glad to know i'm not alone!
    da

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:23 pm  

  • amidst the middle class church religiosity, i've found Jesus amongst the poor, homeless , drug rehabs , prostitutes..and where seems hope always seems nowwhere to be found, Jesus can be found there...

    Do come and join us in Bless....

    By Blogger Joshua Tan, at 7:17 pm  

  • Thanks! I came to that conclusion years ago but didn't quite clarify it that way in my mind. Only knew I was suffocating and the church is really exclusive when they preach all the time about reaching out! I got a taste of that when I left. I was viewed suspiciously. People I thought were true friends no longer talk to me. But I know many who find great comfort in the church and the church has an important role to play. There is always a temptation in groups to cookie cut... quite the opposite of God's creation! I remind myself that the best way to glorify God is to be the best I can be with the gifts he has given me and in all circumstances.

    By Anonymous Linda, at 10:27 am  

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