GCB

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Youngest kid of six with an inferiority and black sheep complex, but determined that God saves not just his soul to heaven but the remainder of his manic-depressive life, so others won't say he became a Christian and remained a jerk.

MAIN THEMES

On identity
i won't be transparent before i'm opaque. and you'll get to know me starting from the small things: who my favourite bands are. what kind of movies i like. who are my heroes.

On Christianity
I’m convinced that when confronted with sincere, real love, the Jesus factor will become obvious. But let’s not plant the cross before we carry it. I’m not trying to con you.

On dreams
Some dreams are meant to be achieved. I know that. But maybe other dreams are meant to drive us, privately. Never known to anyone but ourselves.

OTHER THEMES

On melancholy
It is a sadness that, when choosing between crying and sighing, will choose sighing. I'd almost say that melancholy is being sad about sadness itself.

On memory and nostalgia
It saddens me when life moves forward and people decide that certain things are worth forgetting.

On language
I've learnt that the word irregardless is filed as a non-standard word in the English language. That's a lexicographer's way of saying it's not a real word.

On politics
Crowds are fickle things. So when we stand in the thousands and cry against the present government, do we know who we're actually crying for?

On society
People always want the best for themselves. But I want to sometimes take second or third or fourth best, just so that the loser down the road doesn't always have to come in last. It must feel like shit to always come in last.

On growing old
Leasehold property make me feel sad. It doesn't matter how old the family photos are that you put on your wall. It's your family but it's not really your wall.

On philosophy
I ask you, if God loves everyone, and if God is also incapable of loving evil, how can there be such a thing as an evil man?

On a daily basis
One line quips, like this.

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Thursday, June 21, 2007

REGRETS

No regrets. it sounds so good right, to have no regrets. heck, it sounds so good, no regrets is the name of a song, a country band, a movie, any number of books, man there’s even a café in downtown la called the no regrets restaurant. so smart. but what da hell does it mean anyway? look a bit beneath this self-help mantra of positivism and all you get is a shallow call to live life with a seared conscience.

i honestly don’t know anyone who can truthfully say they can live with no regrets. i’ve done a lot of bad shit in my life. i’ve taken advantage of weak-willed people, made fun of those who didn’t fit in, neglected those who were desperate to connect and worst of all, i’ve emotionally hurt many people before. some of them i care really deeply about, and some of them are still hurting right now. i don’t know about your token no regrets disciple down the road but i’ve been a bastard and a half many times over by now and at my worst, i look back at myself with disgust.

so i got regrets, man. lots of it.

how can any jerk have the balls to say they have no regrets. what kind of conscience do they have, that they can look back at their past misdeeds and see no need to have acted differently. sure you can get forgiven for all that you’ve done, it doesn’t relieve you of the responsibility to look back and actively want to repair some of those cracks in the rear view. or at least feel that sharp edge of anguish that comes with knowing you can’t do it differently now that it’s done.

anyone hiding behind some smart christian jingle of onward-looking post-salvation clean slate is kidding themselves. the past is real and for the rest of us who are not born-again ten year olds, we’ve committed enough inter-personal crimes to rip apart a few strong hearts. i regret all that man. i rue the day i did the wrong thing. it sucks. i hate that feeling. but it’s there. for a guy like me to say i have no regrets, i must be an absolutely cold-hearted arrogant ass. and for all the wrong i've done, the one credential i refuse to add to my trophy room of people crimes is to be so cocky, i don't even regret the way i've trampled over others.

the bible says that there is no condemnation for those who are in jesus. what i think it means is that if you belong to jesus, nobody can tell you how bad you suck anymore. not even yourself. so no, i’m not advocating some kind of self-dooming brand of personal persecution. i’m talking about a living, breathing, contrite conscience. one that knows when something bad has happened and utterly wants the chance to change it.

i want to change things.
i’ve made mistakes this year and i want to change things.

but maybe i can’t. maybe i can never change them. maybe i’ve to spend the rest of my life looking at 2007 as the year i screwed up on matters a, b and c, and that’s the year i learned a harsh, irretraceable lesson. that if you’re not careful about how you treat another life, the only moral highground you can have one day is the ability to regret not treating it better.

Labels: christianity, defeat

Genusfrog [ 9:03 am ]

1 Comments:

bottoms up to a barrel of regrets!
good post.

By Anonymous, at 11:25 am