Youngest kid of six with an inferiority and black sheep complex, but determined that God saves not just his soul to heaven but the remainder of his manic-depressive life, so others won't say he became a Christian and remained a jerk.
i won't be transparent before i'm opaque. and you'll get to know me starting from the small things: who my favourite bands are. what kind of movies i like. who are my heroes.
I’m convinced that when confronted with sincere, real love, the Jesus factor will become obvious. But let’s not plant the cross before we carry it. I’m not trying to con you.
Some dreams are meant to be achieved. I know that. But maybe other dreams are meant to drive us, privately. Never known to anyone but ourselves.
It is a sadness that, when choosing between crying and sighing, will choose sighing. I'd almost say that melancholy is being sad about sadness itself.
On memory and nostalgia
It saddens me when life moves forward and people decide that certain things are worth forgetting.
I've learnt that the word irregardless is filed as a non-standard word in the English language. That's a lexicographer's way of saying it's not a real word.
Crowds are fickle things. So when we stand in the thousands and cry against the present government, do we know who we're actually crying for?
People always want the best for themselves. But I want to sometimes take second or third or fourth best, just so that the loser down the road doesn't always have to come in last. It must feel like shit to always come in last.
On growing old
Leasehold property make me feel sad. It doesn't matter how old the family photos are that you put on your wall. It's your family but it's not really your wall.
I ask you, if God loves everyone, and if God is also incapable of loving evil, how can there be such a thing as an evil man?
On a daily basis
One line quips, like this.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
ALONE WITH FAMILY
I'm not really interested in meeting people anymore. i'm quite happy if the world left me alone to mind my own business, because i'm in the mood to be alone. i don't want to visit my parents' friends, i don't want to entertain guests, and i don't want to make small talk with relatives. my family has always been a bit like that. whether what i'm going through is a wicked trick of genetics or a textbook example of familial modelling, i seem to have taken their lead and launched this anti-socialness to a ten ton truck offensive of solitary stubbornness.
i keep telling people that i have my movie to cut, and that's why i wanna be alone, and though that doesn't work in some social settings across this CNY, i do wonder if this excuse is merely just that - an excuse, a scapegoat for some deeper-rooted condition of alienation from family and a desire to deal with and work out the fact that i think nobody understands me. it's sad because in my bid to find quietness and some peace of mind, i end up pushing away the people who love me the most. these are people who care that i sit around the table to eat a meal, they care that i'm in the car going with them to a friend's house. but i don't care. why da heck don't i care?
i just wanna be left alone. but it's a selfish wanna be left alone. it's selfish because when i'm through with my solitude, when this season of loneliness passes, i'll go back to them and want them to remain as they were before i left. but that't not how it works. they're not the one constant in my life. on God is. and as i desperately seek time to be alone, i forget that every moment i spend without my family is time during which they too are changing, growing, becoming different people as i have. but they're doing it together. and i'm doing mine alone.
like now. everyone's downstairs eating lunch together. and i'm upstairs with my notebook. talking about it.
Labels: loneliness, melancholy
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