GCB

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Youngest kid of six with an inferiority and black sheep complex, but determined that God saves not just his soul to heaven but the remainder of his manic-depressive life, so others won't say he became a Christian and remained a jerk.

MAIN THEMES

On identity
i won't be transparent before i'm opaque. and you'll get to know me starting from the small things: who my favourite bands are. what kind of movies i like. who are my heroes.

On Christianity
I’m convinced that when confronted with sincere, real love, the Jesus factor will become obvious. But let’s not plant the cross before we carry it. I’m not trying to con you.

On dreams
Some dreams are meant to be achieved. I know that. But maybe other dreams are meant to drive us, privately. Never known to anyone but ourselves.

OTHER THEMES

On melancholy
It is a sadness that, when choosing between crying and sighing, will choose sighing. I'd almost say that melancholy is being sad about sadness itself.

On memory and nostalgia
It saddens me when life moves forward and people decide that certain things are worth forgetting.

On language
I've learnt that the word irregardless is filed as a non-standard word in the English language. That's a lexicographer's way of saying it's not a real word.

On politics
Crowds are fickle things. So when we stand in the thousands and cry against the present government, do we know who we're actually crying for?

On society
People always want the best for themselves. But I want to sometimes take second or third or fourth best, just so that the loser down the road doesn't always have to come in last. It must feel like shit to always come in last.

On growing old
Leasehold property make me feel sad. It doesn't matter how old the family photos are that you put on your wall. It's your family but it's not really your wall.

On philosophy
I ask you, if God loves everyone, and if God is also incapable of loving evil, how can there be such a thing as an evil man?

On a daily basis
One line quips, like this.

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Wednesday, December 13, 2006

I am lazy. Yeah, that’s right. I’m damn lazy. I’m too lazy to do my work, to clean my car, to wake up in the morning or go to sleep at night, heck I find I’m too lazy to even eat.

Actually, I’m not just lazy. I’m tired. And I’m fatigued and exhausted. Put simply, I am completely burnt-out with life. I no longer have any zest to live life’s daily tediums and for the last two years, it has been a gradual process of my brain getting fried into a burnt black charred slab of former brain, where now it no longer does anything more than a half-arsed impersonation of a thinking machine.

I realised tonight that I’ve spent the last two years oscilating from mind-numbing boredom in the day to over-zealous undirected hyperactivity in the night, and in this little maelstrom of an existence, I have failed in the essential task of remaining still and being quiet. My mind is constantly flooded with a wall of white noise. So thick is this white noise that my phone’s sms is currently on a two-day reply delay. I receive messages, I glance them over to get a rough idea of what it is about, but I have too little mental energy to reply there and then. I only force myself to reply when my inbox has run out of space and I’m driven to clear out old messages.

All I want is to not be here at any waking point. I no longer want to exist in the now. I have constant daydreams of lying on my deathbed being surrounded by a loving family that goes down three generations, grandkids all around. Am I feeling depressed? Not at all. Am I feeling morbid? Also a resounding no. I just want this whole thing to end. I want to have achieved things in life, I just want to have already achieved them. I want to have a fulfilling life, I just want to have already fulfilled it. I want to be at my deathbed and be a happy man and then die. Put differently, I want a great life to have been lived, and I want to be at the end of that great life, not where I am right now.

The furious pace at which I’ve lived my life has done me no favours. Leaving me with little to no time to consider God or his word or pray or at its worst, even go to church, I’ve come to wonder if the whole thing has just gone pear-shaped because i've not been watered for the best part of the last two years. I’m shriveled up. I’m not even thirsty, I’m just completely parched.

And so I have a plan. I shall not reveal it but I have a plan and it will go on for the next half a month, during which I hope to jolt my apathetic ass into action and after which I hope to have found some kind of skip and order to this dull chaos. To begin with, I need to stare at some mountains for a while and stop daydreaming about wanting to quit this frenetic lifestyle. Either I should just quit it or I should just deal with it, but whining about it has just got to stop.

Bob Dylan said “let me forget about today until tomorrow”. I feel exactly like that every day.

Labels: happenings, identity

Genusfrog [ 2:36 pm ]

1 Comments:

it seems like a nice little summary towards burnout. run back to Him, spend time every single day reading His word. now you know the desolation of the 1000 days elsewhere. go back to His courts. making time is within your control. praying for you is within mine. turnaround is within His.

By Anonymous, at 5:09 pm