Youngest kid of six with an inferiority and black sheep complex, but determined that God saves not just his soul to heaven but the remainder of his manic-depressive life, so others won't say he became a Christian and remained a jerk.
i won't be transparent before i'm opaque. and you'll get to know me starting from the small things: who my favourite bands are. what kind of movies i like. who are my heroes.
I’m convinced that when confronted with sincere, real love, the Jesus factor will become obvious. But let’s not plant the cross before we carry it. I’m not trying to con you.
Some dreams are meant to be achieved. I know that. But maybe other dreams are meant to drive us, privately. Never known to anyone but ourselves.
It is a sadness that, when choosing between crying and sighing, will choose sighing. I'd almost say that melancholy is being sad about sadness itself.
On memory and nostalgia
It saddens me when life moves forward and people decide that certain things are worth forgetting.
I've learnt that the word irregardless is filed as a non-standard word in the English language. That's a lexicographer's way of saying it's not a real word.
Crowds are fickle things. So when we stand in the thousands and cry against the present government, do we know who we're actually crying for?
People always want the best for themselves. But I want to sometimes take second or third or fourth best, just so that the loser down the road doesn't always have to come in last. It must feel like shit to always come in last.
On growing old
Leasehold property make me feel sad. It doesn't matter how old the family photos are that you put on your wall. It's your family but it's not really your wall.
I ask you, if God loves everyone, and if God is also incapable of loving evil, how can there be such a thing as an evil man?
On a daily basis
One line quips, like this.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
I don't know that I don't know what I don't know
- Fergus, 22 November 2006
I had a good chat with vernon today, about growing up, buying apartments, getting married and doing the whole thing. Or was i really talking about growing up and not buying apartments? I think i was talking about not doing the whole thing.
I'm still wondering if this middle class life with two cars, a condo and some investments tucked away is what i want in life. i'm serious when i say that i'm closer to considering it's not than a lot of other yuppies who threaten the same tendencies.
I get really scared of the tied-down life. it's not fear of marriage. i dream of being married. it's not fear of kids - i dream of that too. it's the whole life that tends comes along with it: the labour. the overseas education funding. the loan repayments. the cars. the life insurance. the business. the utterly boring rat race. i'm scared because that kind of world is calling me and i don't know if i dare to answer
And now with large door pictures up and soon to be running, i already feel tied down. now you know why i'm afraid of my bourgeois future. it's already got one foot in my living room.
I still haven't decided if i want the malaysian dream. and everything around me is nudging me towards taking it. it would be so irresponsible of me to take it and then realise i didn't want it after all. how do i answer to everyone: wife, kids, my dad? i could never answer them. the shape of my life would be set. and i would just have to live it. why? because at 26 i had no balls to make a call. maybe no balls. maybe no maturity. or maybe no foresight. i always bite off more than i can chew. maybe this is one more bite.
I want a simple married life. not this complicated urban monster.
Labels: growing old
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