Youngest kid of six with an inferiority and black sheep complex, but determined that God saves not just his soul to heaven but the remainder of his manic-depressive life, so others won't say he became a Christian and remained a jerk.
i won't be transparent before i'm opaque. and you'll get to know me starting from the small things: who my favourite bands are. what kind of movies i like. who are my heroes.
I’m convinced that when confronted with sincere, real love, the Jesus factor will become obvious. But let’s not plant the cross before we carry it. I’m not trying to con you.
Some dreams are meant to be achieved. I know that. But maybe other dreams are meant to drive us, privately. Never known to anyone but ourselves.
It is a sadness that, when choosing between crying and sighing, will choose sighing. I'd almost say that melancholy is being sad about sadness itself.
On memory and nostalgia
It saddens me when life moves forward and people decide that certain things are worth forgetting.
I've learnt that the word irregardless is filed as a non-standard word in the English language. That's a lexicographer's way of saying it's not a real word.
Crowds are fickle things. So when we stand in the thousands and cry against the present government, do we know who we're actually crying for?
People always want the best for themselves. But I want to sometimes take second or third or fourth best, just so that the loser down the road doesn't always have to come in last. It must feel like shit to always come in last.
On growing old
Leasehold property make me feel sad. It doesn't matter how old the family photos are that you put on your wall. It's your family but it's not really your wall.
I ask you, if God loves everyone, and if God is also incapable of loving evil, how can there be such a thing as an evil man?
On a daily basis
One line quips, like this.
Monday, June 26, 2006
When i was a kid, i wanted to be a zoologist.
I wanted to be a marine biologist. It would have been so cool to work with marine life, like manatees or whales. I also thought, maybe, I can work with big cats too. Big cats are the best.
Whenever I told this to someone, they would tell me "Why don't you just be a vet?".
But I didn't want to be a vet, I didn't want to treat rabbits and poodles. I didn't want to do small cats.
Apparently, we all start off with dreams, and then as we grow up, many of those dreams die. For those among us who are fortunate enough, the death of a dream is replaced by a new dream. It doesn't make the demise of the first dream any less meaningful - it is still a truncated future. But you can't complain if you replace it with something else. You certainly can't complain if that something else is more achievable, yet comparatively special.
I guess I could be a marine biologist today. I guess I could be diving off places to collect plant samples, or be sitting in a lab studying shark behaviour, or perhaps I could be working in zoo negara giving injections to sick tigers. My brilliant career as an animal man never happened.
But I've replaced that dream with other things and I'm happy enough with the way things are going. Going into the world to fulfil a major dream of yours can be frightening - my ambitious dream fulfilment right now is paralysing me with a fear so inexpressible, I guess, well, I can't tell you how.
And maybe I would never have become a marine biologist. Maybe I would never have become a zoologist. Maybe when push came to shove, the fear of potentially living that exciting life, or that life replete with hands on contact with animalia would have crippled me into inaction, and I never would have dared to try.
It's hard enough to dare to dream, being challenged to dare to live that dream is even worse. but why is it that we fear so much the very things we want so much? Is it enough to blame it on a fear of failure? Of loss? Or do we intrinsically not want to fulfil our dreams, so that they can always remain limitless and infinite, and our potential heroism unbounded by the harsh constraints of reality? What's the point of dreaming if you must wake up to fulfil it?
Labels: dreams, growing old
8:25 am ]