GCB

BLOGGER

Youngest kid of six with an inferiority and black sheep complex, but determined that God saves not just his soul to heaven but the remainder of his manic-depressive life, so others won't say he became a Christian and remained a jerk.

MAIN THEMES

On identity
i won't be transparent before i'm opaque. and you'll get to know me starting from the small things: who my favourite bands are. what kind of movies i like. who are my heroes.

On Christianity
I’m convinced that when confronted with sincere, real love, the Jesus factor will become obvious. But let’s not plant the cross before we carry it. I’m not trying to con you.

On dreams
Some dreams are meant to be achieved. I know that. But maybe other dreams are meant to drive us, privately. Never known to anyone but ourselves.

OTHER THEMES

On melancholy
It is a sadness that, when choosing between crying and sighing, will choose sighing. I'd almost say that melancholy is being sad about sadness itself.

On memory and nostalgia
It saddens me when life moves forward and people decide that certain things are worth forgetting.

On language
I've learnt that the word irregardless is filed as a non-standard word in the English language. That's a lexicographer's way of saying it's not a real word.

On politics
Crowds are fickle things. So when we stand in the thousands and cry against the present government, do we know who we're actually crying for?

On society
People always want the best for themselves. But I want to sometimes take second or third or fourth best, just so that the loser down the road doesn't always have to come in last. It must feel like shit to always come in last.

On growing old
Leasehold property make me feel sad. It doesn't matter how old the family photos are that you put on your wall. It's your family but it's not really your wall.

On philosophy
I ask you, if God loves everyone, and if God is also incapable of loving evil, how can there be such a thing as an evil man?

On a daily basis
One line quips, like this.

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Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I want to disappear completely, and never be found. I want to go away from everyone so that I can only be with myself, and God, and nothing that bears any semblance of the harrowing world can find me, so that nothing can chase me to kick me in the teeth.

When I started working, and up till a few months ago, I was filled with enough desire to do well, forge strong relationships and serve - not my bosses - but my products. today, i sit here with no motivation whatsoever to pursue these lofty wants. Not because I just lost it but because the genuine enthusiasm I once had has been chewed up and spat out like bland gum. Now, all I'm left with is a desire to not exist.

I really do want to disappear. It's very reminiscent of the oft-vilified ostrich and its escapist defence mechanisms, but how nice it would be if for one day, or two days or ten, if no one I knew could reach me, or see me, or speak to me. And all of the horrors of this maddening world, this world that hounds us all to our deathbeds faster than flowers have time to grow and be smelt, will just melt into somewhere, or become gasseous or something similar. I have no desire to drive home today, it is just another roll of a stone in this Sisyphean boredom.

Meaning to life? Purpose? Has my church not thought me well?

There is no meaning to this drudgery, this unending connection of mediocre days. And there is no purpose in this gross mundanity, certainly no purpose in attempting to excel. My whole working life is a sham, a true-blue joke that conspires to take good men and mess them up in time for an early grave. And if resigning from a job was any less predictable and ordinary and commonplace among those with whom i ply my trade, I swear I would do it. But I refuse to be predictable, or ordinary, or commonplace.

So instead, I'll just wish to not be here. Goodbye cruel world? Hah... i only wish I could mean it.

Labels: loneliness, melancholy

Genusfrog [ 3:02 pm ]

2 Comments:

Refusing to be predictable, or ordinary, or commonplace is not a valid reason at all to not switch jobs. Heck, it's not even a reason to me.

By Anonymous, at 4:20 pm
hehe... you're right. it's not much of a reason. =D thanks dear.

By Anonymous, at 8:52 am