Youngest kid of six with an inferiority and black sheep complex, but determined that God saves not just his soul to heaven but the remainder of his manic-depressive life, so others won't say he became a Christian and remained a jerk.


On identity
i won't be transparent before i'm opaque. and you'll get to know me starting from the small things: who my favourite bands are. what kind of movies i like. who are my heroes.

On Christianity
I’m convinced that when confronted with sincere, real love, the Jesus factor will become obvious. But let’s not plant the cross before we carry it. I’m not trying to con you.

On dreams
Some dreams are meant to be achieved. I know that. But maybe other dreams are meant to drive us, privately. Never known to anyone but ourselves.


On melancholy
It is a sadness that, when choosing between crying and sighing, will choose sighing. I'd almost say that melancholy is being sad about sadness itself.

On memory and nostalgia
It saddens me when life moves forward and people decide that certain things are worth forgetting.

On language
I've learnt that the word irregardless is filed as a non-standard word in the English language. That's a lexicographer's way of saying it's not a real word.

On politics
Crowds are fickle things. So when we stand in the thousands and cry against the present government, do we know who we're actually crying for?

On society
People always want the best for themselves. But I want to sometimes take second or third or fourth best, just so that the loser down the road doesn't always have to come in last. It must feel like shit to always come in last.

On growing old
Leasehold property make me feel sad. It doesn't matter how old the family photos are that you put on your wall. It's your family but it's not really your wall.

On philosophy
I ask you, if God loves everyone, and if God is also incapable of loving evil, how can there be such a thing as an evil man?

On a daily basis
One line quips, like this.


Wednesday, July 13, 2005

I just wanna chat a bit about brokenness and what it means to a Christian.

I need God - fullstop. if i don't have him, i vanish, perish, the works. i'm finished without him. i need him in all the small things, and needless to say, all the big ones as well. but i got a bad habit - i am forgetful.

Every once in a while, when my life starts swinging upwards, when things look good, i forget that i need God. worse still, i forget that he is the very reason why my life has gone good. a few things happen as a result of this.

1. i start thinking that i did it
2. i start to focus on what i can do
3. i depend on my own strength and ability
4. when i rely on my own strength, i'm also stuck with my own weaknesses
5. my own weaknesses eventually lead to my mini downfalls
6. i realise that i can't make it on my own
7. i turn to God and let him help me back up

problem is, there's always an 8. i forget and depend on myself all over again. which is the disappointing part.

Brokenness is the stage 6 in my list, when you are really whittled down, when you know your own limitations (and when you fully appreciate God's limitlessness), and you are so humbled by the great gulf in size, so touched by his desire to bail you out and in such a mess that you don't mind letting him help (heck, don't mind? you'd die for some help!). the state of brokenness is defined by the breaking of self-ability and pride.

i've been brought to that state so many times. i've fallen on my knees alone in my room, bawled my eyes out, got up, went to bed and bawled myself till morning and so on so forth, and this is the state that he wants me to be in. not because he is a sadist and longs for me to be in pain, but because when i'm not broken, i'm so full of myself, it's just disgusting. why? because i don't deserve to be full of myself, it's his work all the time anyway. i'm convinced that God wants me broken at all times because when i'm broken, i'm nice to him. i go back to him. i need him. and like all relationships, i know there's something in him that needs me and longs to be needed. why shouldn't he break me when i get all puffed up and forgetful? he should! i hope he always does. because the day he stops breaking me, i think that's the day he gives up on me.

i like feeling broken. when i feel broken, i feel distinctly close and intimate with God in ways i can never know when i rely on myself. i feel loved. i feel his affirmation, telling me i'm alright. what good is that? is it cosmetic? is it just a feeling? no. it's empowerment. my brokenness, and subsequent reliance on him, empowers me to go headlong into the emotional battlefield of this world - whether it be in families, friends, colleagues, strangers - survive it, and much more - triumph in it.

i'll tell you what's cosmetic - cosmetic is trying to hold it up on your own when all your chips are down, and even when a human, much less God, offers help, you reject it and try to put up a brave front. that is cosmetic. and i've resolved not to live a PR life. i've resolved not to be a fake I'm-doing-well-on-the-outside person. is it easy? no! i go out there and fake it all the time. we all do. but i must do something about it. my life is too precious to trifle with, and my relationships with those i love is too precious for me to go about faking it with them. i love them too much to lie and pretend that i'm something i'm not.


Genusfrog [ 5:14 pm ]


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