Youngest kid of six with an inferiority and black sheep complex, but determined that God saves not just his soul to heaven but the remainder of his manic-depressive life, so others won't say he became a Christian and remained a jerk.


On identity
i won't be transparent before i'm opaque. and you'll get to know me starting from the small things: who my favourite bands are. what kind of movies i like. who are my heroes.

On Christianity
I’m convinced that when confronted with sincere, real love, the Jesus factor will become obvious. But let’s not plant the cross before we carry it. I’m not trying to con you.

On dreams
Some dreams are meant to be achieved. I know that. But maybe other dreams are meant to drive us, privately. Never known to anyone but ourselves.


On melancholy
It is a sadness that, when choosing between crying and sighing, will choose sighing. I'd almost say that melancholy is being sad about sadness itself.

On memory and nostalgia
It saddens me when life moves forward and people decide that certain things are worth forgetting.

On language
I've learnt that the word irregardless is filed as a non-standard word in the English language. That's a lexicographer's way of saying it's not a real word.

On politics
Crowds are fickle things. So when we stand in the thousands and cry against the present government, do we know who we're actually crying for?

On society
People always want the best for themselves. But I want to sometimes take second or third or fourth best, just so that the loser down the road doesn't always have to come in last. It must feel like shit to always come in last.

On growing old
Leasehold property make me feel sad. It doesn't matter how old the family photos are that you put on your wall. It's your family but it's not really your wall.

On philosophy
I ask you, if God loves everyone, and if God is also incapable of loving evil, how can there be such a thing as an evil man?

On a daily basis
One line quips, like this.


Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Written in the morning

I'm still using my first identity card. The one we all had to make when we were twelve. Do I hate it? You bet I do. I dunno, apparently you were supposed to renew them when you turned 18 or 21, whichever it is, I would have been in Melbourne then and, hence, the embarrassing state of my public identification right now. But a new identity card is already in the loom - I should have long completed my new MYCard, and I will soon. I'm looking forward to it. I'm gonna have a real recent photo on it, my details will reflect who I am now, not who I was then. It's exciting. Like a validation of my present person, a fresh update 13 years overdue.

This past weekend, ps lee choo talked about the potter and the clay. The most striking image I left with was that of a potter unsatisfied with his almost complete vase breaking it down completely to start all over again. That was really powerful for me, because in some things, I know I am a perfectionist, and in some things, I can be a bit slip-shot. When ps lee choo told us of this scene that she saw, I knew instantly that this potter was a perfectionist at his craft.

I praise God that our identity shaping means so much to Him. Yesterday was a real case of the potter breaking down what seemed like a reasonably decent vase in the works so he could restart, rebuild and refashion an even better piece of vessel. I questioned all day, all night, and even while I slept last night I must have been asking questions, because the answer came to me in a dream.

Early this morning, in my dream, I received an sms on my phone. I opened the message and it read "Problem. ID". This baffled me. But as I prepared for work this morning, as I type this in the car, it no longer baffles me. God has to break me because my identity is not yet fully formed in him. I awoke this morning with a desperate knowledge that I had only one identity - I am God's child. That's it. There is no other identification that can so absolutely determine the security and future of my personhood. Sure, I will always be someone's friend, someone''s kid, someone's brother, and one day I'll be someone's husband and someone's father. But these are not identifications on which I will stand. No, never.

In my ridiculously broken state right now, I know that God doesn't keep the options wide. If I wanna be secure with who I am, then this is who I am, first and last: I am God's child. He loves me, He protects me, He gives me purpose and He gives me future. He makes my life meaningful and He affirms me, affects me, attends to me. No other person can ever love me like how God loves me so I won't kid around a fictitious sugar-coated syrup drenched world. this is the cold hard truth of ultimate belonging.

I'm looking forward to being rebuilt from scratch. I'm anxious to see what kind of man God has in store for me. I'm secure that whoever he is, the man God is making me into is far more man than who I currently am. Now, when I go to change my identity card, it will make sense. A man renewed everyday, rebuilt from a broken nobody in nowhere, it will make every perfect sense.


Genusfrog [ 6:19 am ]


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