Youngest kid of six with an inferiority and black sheep complex, but determined that God saves not just his soul to heaven but the remainder of his manic-depressive life, so others won't say he became a Christian and remained a jerk.


On identity
i won't be transparent before i'm opaque. and you'll get to know me starting from the small things: who my favourite bands are. what kind of movies i like. who are my heroes.

On Christianity
I’m convinced that when confronted with sincere, real love, the Jesus factor will become obvious. But let’s not plant the cross before we carry it. I’m not trying to con you.

On dreams
Some dreams are meant to be achieved. I know that. But maybe other dreams are meant to drive us, privately. Never known to anyone but ourselves.


On melancholy
It is a sadness that, when choosing between crying and sighing, will choose sighing. I'd almost say that melancholy is being sad about sadness itself.

On memory and nostalgia
It saddens me when life moves forward and people decide that certain things are worth forgetting.

On language
I've learnt that the word irregardless is filed as a non-standard word in the English language. That's a lexicographer's way of saying it's not a real word.

On politics
Crowds are fickle things. So when we stand in the thousands and cry against the present government, do we know who we're actually crying for?

On society
People always want the best for themselves. But I want to sometimes take second or third or fourth best, just so that the loser down the road doesn't always have to come in last. It must feel like shit to always come in last.

On growing old
Leasehold property make me feel sad. It doesn't matter how old the family photos are that you put on your wall. It's your family but it's not really your wall.

On philosophy
I ask you, if God loves everyone, and if God is also incapable of loving evil, how can there be such a thing as an evil man?

On a daily basis
One line quips, like this.


Thursday, March 31, 2005

God does this thing i like to call "incubate faith". by this, i'm referring to the time spent between praying and getting our prayers answered (affirmative or negative). we all know how excruciating this period can be. for me, i get all excited and anxious and i start pacing around, my life goes on a wire for days or weeks on end and i run the risk of going absolutely crazy. but what happens while this erratic and jumpy time goes by is far more profound than just being on the edge of one's seat.

it is when God puts me in this faith incubator that i start to draw meaning out of things. i find i start to talk to myself a lot more after praying because my mind is forced to jog in its bid to ascertain what Father is doing with my now submitted prayer request. while it doesn't always happen, i am sometimes stretched to the point where i am put to a decision: if i wanna keep fretting then i might as well chuck the whole christianity thing out and go solo, or quit fretting and let God be.

it's not easy being in that hotroom. and sometimes, i can almost see Father waiting lovingly, thinking to Himself "a bit more, he's coming around to it..... just a bit more". and just as i'm on the verge of buckling, on the edge of tipping over, he scoops me up and puts me back on a safe place. this isn't some balyhoo either, it's biblical.

1 Corinthians 10:13
"And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

on my last night in sydney, i went for a movie and it finished quite late. i stood at the taxi stand waiting and really, nothing came. i prayed and asked God to bring me a taxi. i needed to get back to the hotel. then i waited, and waited. then God reminded me that i could call the hotel and ask them to send a taxi to where i was. i did that and then i waited and waited. and the taxi took so long to come. all that time, i questioned the relevance of praying, and God's response. i considered what He must have been doing and whatnot.

in all this, he incubated my faith and allowed the (albeit small) pressure cooker to heat up until i'd been standing there so long, wondering if i was at all gonna get a ride back to the hotel to sleep and fly the next day. when i had done all my thinking and questioning and waiting, and when He had done His work cooking up a new level of faith in me - a new ability to trust Him - then He answered, and a cab duly swung by.

it reminds me of abraham on the verge of sacrificing isaac. it reminds me that if God answered all our prayers instantly, we would definitely take Him forgranted. it reminds me that God is sovereign and that He has His thang goin on, and it is a good thang. and ultimately, it forces me to confront the truth that He loves me, that He has all the power available to sort things right and will exercise that power with regards to me, because He loves me.

it makes me feel safe. it makes me feel grown. and i thank God for incubating me. in some matters, it has gone on for months or even years, but as He keeps things cooking, i learn to let Him cook. and i prefer it this way.


Genusfrog [ 4:58 pm ]


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