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Youngest kid of six with an inferiority and black sheep complex, but determined that God saves not just his soul to heaven but the remainder of his manic-depressive life, so others won't say he became a Christian and remained a jerk.


MAIN THEMES

On identity
i won't be transparent before i'm opaque. and you'll get to know me starting from the small things: who my favourite bands are. what kind of movies i like. who are my heroes.

On Christianity
I’m convinced that when confronted with sincere, real love, the Jesus factor will become obvious. But let’s not plant the cross before we carry it. I’m not trying to con you.

On dreams
Some dreams are meant to be achieved. I know that. But maybe other dreams are meant to drive us, privately. Never known to anyone but ourselves.


OTHER THEMES

On melancholy
It is a sadness that, when choosing between crying and sighing, will choose sighing. I'd almost say that melancholy is being sad about sadness itself.

On memory and nostalgia
It saddens me when life moves forward and people decide that certain things are worth forgetting.

On language
I've learnt that the word irregardless is filed as a non-standard word in the English language. That's a lexicographer's way of saying it's not a real word.

On politics
Crowds are fickle things. So when we stand in the thousands and cry against the present government, do we know who we're actually crying for?

On society
People always want the best for themselves. But I want to sometimes take second or third or fourth best, just so that the loser down the road doesn't always have to come in last. It must feel like shit to always come in last.

On growing old
Leasehold property make me feel sad. It doesn't matter how old the family photos are that you put on your wall. It's your family but it's not really your wall.

On philosophy
I ask you, if God loves everyone, and if God is also incapable of loving evil, how can there be such a thing as an evil man?

On a daily basis
One line quips, like this.


CHAT





Friday, September 17, 2004
SELF-ESTEEM AS SEEN THROUGH CONTACT LENSES

i must confess that for 7 years, i've had a very bad contact lense removal technique. it's true. wearing it is fine. but when i take it out... i always start flapping it just as i draw the lense out of my eye. i will bat my eye, my finger will tremble slightly, i squeeze the lense without any conviction and it never really comes out the first time. i start all over again and my eye gets red.

for 7 years! crikey! having said that, i'm not gonna blame my stiff-neck-ness for putting up with a bad technique for so very long. rather, i'm gonna put the blame squarely on how fast time has flown. so, with that out of the way, i was removing my lenses today (with the usual tribulation it brings) when i sternly told myself, "be assured! be confident!"

indeed! what an indecisive, unconfident guy i am - not just in my optical life, i tell you, it flows in my blood like a bad streak. it is at this point that i remember paul (the apostle) telling one of the churches in one of the epistles (i think it was corinthians) that in person he didn't quite live up to his bold image behind the pen. yes, apparently, paul was a slight guy without much physical presence. he was on the shy side and definitely not near as fired-up or chatty in person as he was corresponding. in that epistle, he mentioned something referring to their failed expectation when they eventually met him.

now if you're a linguist and you study how students copy the linguistic style of their heroes, you will easily know that paul is my hero. i love the way he writes and i copy his style - as a writer (and i'm not even talking about copying him as a christian). so as i've gone off emulating one of my new favourite writers, i feel that i'm setting myself up for a pauline-type first impression for many of you who have never seen me in person - if in fact we ever do meet.

because, depending on the company, i can be extremely quiet, inward and even shy when met in the face. my tendency to kick in talkative only really happens if i know someone well, if i'm writing from a safe distance, or if vernon is present. so as i dwell on my nearly-prophetic self-chastising over my contact lense technique, i arrive at the conclusion that i can afford to be a lot more assured and a lot more confident.

my closest friends will testify that i am indecisive, unsure, and constantly in search of affirmation, perpetually seeking to have his existence validated. i know that my confidence has grown while my self-confidence remains a battered pulp: Christ, i know, strengthens me and causes me to be able to do all things. but it is Him, not me. i continue to have low self-confidence while being a highly confident guy because my faith is not in me but He who is in me.

how then, does all this figure in my 7 year-old ill-skilled visual-correction life? like this fergus: be assured. be confident. just keep your eye open and pull it out!!!

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Genusfrog [ 3:41 pm ]

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