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Youngest kid of six with an inferiority and black sheep complex, but determined that God saves not just his soul to heaven but the remainder of his manic-depressive life, so others won't say he became a Christian and remained a jerk.


MAIN THEMES

On identity
i won't be transparent before i'm opaque. and you'll get to know me starting from the small things: who my favourite bands are. what kind of movies i like. who are my heroes.

On Christianity
I’m convinced that when confronted with sincere, real love, the Jesus factor will become obvious. But let’s not plant the cross before we carry it. I’m not trying to con you.

On dreams
Some dreams are meant to be achieved. I know that. But maybe other dreams are meant to drive us, privately. Never known to anyone but ourselves.


OTHER THEMES

On melancholy
It is a sadness that, when choosing between crying and sighing, will choose sighing. I'd almost say that melancholy is being sad about sadness itself.

On memory and nostalgia
It saddens me when life moves forward and people decide that certain things are worth forgetting.

On language
I've learnt that the word irregardless is filed as a non-standard word in the English language. That's a lexicographer's way of saying it's not a real word.

On politics
Crowds are fickle things. So when we stand in the thousands and cry against the present government, do we know who we're actually crying for?

On society
People always want the best for themselves. But I want to sometimes take second or third or fourth best, just so that the loser down the road doesn't always have to come in last. It must feel like shit to always come in last.

On growing old
Leasehold property make me feel sad. It doesn't matter how old the family photos are that you put on your wall. It's your family but it's not really your wall.

On philosophy
I ask you, if God loves everyone, and if God is also incapable of loving evil, how can there be such a thing as an evil man?

On a daily basis
One line quips, like this.


CHAT





Saturday, September 11, 2004
I'M DRY

I've not been posting my quiet time devotions. I've picked up on the trend that my posts of late have been trivial, event-oriented and at times (very regrettably) complaining and ranty. None of these were the reasons why I started this blog. I started it to do all that is contrary - to try to hit deep, be ideas-oriented, and express struggles honestly. And to do all this from the perspective of a Christian trying to come good.

The truth is, I've not been hearing from God. I've been reading the Bible when I wake up, I've been spending time in prayer every night before I sleep. I've been involved in my ministry and cell, and I even tried reading 1 John ahead of pastor's upcoming series. But something isn't clicking and I don't know what.

I think I may be crowding God out in my head, though I keep casting my problems at His feet, and I keep keeping a short account of my sins with Him. Still, I get the distinct feeling that this is my doing. I've somehow done something in the course of my cluttered routine to keep Father at an arm's length. I wanna be in His embrace!

The other possibility is that Father is purposely keeping quiet for a while. There's every reason for Him to do so: he might want to test me, He might want me to seek Him even more, He might want me to apply my growth in real life, using His word and my will in harmony.

At any case, I long to feel that tangible kind of closeness with Him. The kind of closeness where you actually hear words, receive prophecies, feel deep comfort and experience real intimacy. I fear that my worship has turned into lip service, that my heart has started a chilling I so want to thaw but don't know how. I love Him! So much, that I am willing to give myself to Him in my entirety. i'd give my left leg to know i'll never feel dry again. i'd give my right leg to feel his love unbroken all day, all the time.

I know all Christians go through this - I'm sure even guys like Moses and Paul went through such spells. So this is not a complaint, no this is definitely not a complaint. right now, i'm too analytical for complaints, too clinical for passion. this is a dry and deadpan examination of my dry and deadpan state.

BUT LORD! I LOVE YOU!!!

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Genusfrog [ 11:51 am ]

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